In the mood for some laughs? Here’s the best tweets from the past week. If you like these, be sure to follow them and then you can find some laughs every single day.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) February 19, 2015
Up next on the 2015 Westminster Spider Show, it’s the Toxic Group and I gotta tell ya Bill, these little cuties are oh god where did they go— vineyille (@vineyille) February 18, 2015
[Sees bee on my wife’s arm]— josh (@ruinedpicnic) February 16, 2015
[I roll up a newspaper]
Babe.. stay still..
(using newspaper as a megaphone) THERE’S A FUCKING BEE ON YOU
[raises hand puppet over your cubicle wall] “Pssssst. Your wife is cheating on you.” [lowers hand puppet]— Karen (Tozzi) (@karentozzi) February 13, 2015
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*— It’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) February 15, 2015
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
my god these cheetos are stale pic.twitter.com/ZG0KXdc0Oz— guz (@balls_ignorer) February 12, 2015
[america’s worst culinary school]— madeleine sweet (@madeleinesweet) February 18, 2015
what should we call this clump of mayonnaise & cabbage we made
COLE: Cole’s Slaw
COLE: also add carrots
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.— d i v e r s i o n (@Diversion50) February 18, 2015
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Welcome to fatherhood! Please choose 1:— Carly Danger (@carlyken) February 18, 2015
Movie quote dad
Home Depot dad
Hi Hungry I’m Dad
That’s what she said dad
Hey kid pull my finger dad
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 13, 2015
“What’s your greatest strength?”— Jakob Huber (@jakob_huber) February 11, 2015
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
“in case of emergency we ask you to please literally rip the entire door off the hinges then get the hell out” pic.twitter.com/hXmdebqsxJ— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) February 16, 2015
*slaps yogurt cup out of your hand* what the hell bro that isn’t the official brand of the NFL— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) February 16, 2015
I know none of my neighbors’ names and all of their dogs’ names.— Alex J. Mann (@alexjmann) February 18, 2015
Eric is a comedy writer based in Michigan. Follow @dubstep4dads on Twitter.