In the mood for some laughs? Here’s the best tweets from the past week. If you like these, be sure to follow them and then you can find some laughs every single day.
bae: com over— jomny sun (@jonnysun) March 10, 2015
me: i cant…ur literaly a cloud. i live in water & need water to breathe
bae: clouds r made of water
If you ever have an extra human skeleton sitting around, try building a snowman around it. Fun for kids— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) March 11, 2015
‘welcome to subway how can i-’— local badboy, (@hippieswordfish) March 12, 2015
ME:*punches counter*WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID
M: IS IT HIS PISS
[tv ad]— Jamie (from before) (@Jamie1947) March 9, 2015
Hey folks, this is Don Key!
Come on down to Key’s Automotive for.. uh-
[camera still rolling]
holy shit .. donkey. my name is donkey
[first caveman ever makes fire] haha I’m gonna get hella laid— olll (@dulcetry) March 4, 2015
[walks into inconvenience store]— Knipples (@StevieKnip) March 9, 2015
Man: I’d like to buy some spoiled milk and popped balloons
Clerk: sorry we’re all out of both
You know spring is near when you see a group of 500 dads walking in a trance behind a mulch truck.— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) March 12, 2015
[job interview]— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) March 11, 2015
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma'am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
People who are okay in small doses only come in large doses.— Mark Leggett 🤷🏻♂️ (@markleggett) March 11, 2015
until we’re living in a post apocalyptic world please stop making your dog wear a bandana— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) March 10, 2015
*Dogs on coffee break*— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) March 10, 2015
Dog 1: Heard a great joke.
Dog 2: Oh yeah?
Dog 1: Knock kn-
*Dog 2 goes fuckin’ nuts*
[calls boss]— Floyd (@dafloydsta) March 10, 2015
I’m gonna be late
[I start waving to all the puppies in the pet store]
Yeah I’m probably not gonna make it in
“So what makes you think you’re Taco Bell CEO material?”— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) March 12, 2015
*pokes straw into a burrito"
It’s filled with Mountain Dew.
(car dealer)— Timmy™ (@TheTimmyToes) March 7, 2015
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
DATE: i thought you said we were going someplace private?— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) March 7, 2015
ME: *from inside my pillow fort* not even my cat is allowed in here
Eric is a comedy writer based in Michigan. Follow @dubstep4dads on Twitter.