In the mood for some laughs? Here’s the best tweets from the past week. If you like these, be sure to follow them and then you can find some laughs every single day.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*— several onions (@Amusitr0n) March 23, 2015
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
My NCAA bracket is a lot like my first marriage: Starts strong, gets shaky, & finally brought to ruin by that piece of shit Mike Krzyzewski.— Jason Miller (@longwall26) March 22, 2015
*shows up to your baby daughter’s baptism wearing the same dress*— ibid (@ibid78) March 21, 2015
[Dying in hospital]— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) March 20, 2015
Wife: I brought you some flowers..
Me: Aww, you really shouldn’t have…because what I actually need is A KIDNEY, Karen.
Cop: i pulled you over for littering— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee) March 24, 2015
Me: i was feeding my son *whips out adoption papers for highway*
Cop: im so sorry he is a lovely boy
[gets kidnapped]— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) March 26, 2015
Hold up, I forgot my phone charger.
People who don’t eat the pizza crust:— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) March 25, 2015
1. Why do you do that
2. Can I have it
Those poor chickens with boneless wings— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) March 25, 2015
Boss: Will you be ok if I leave for a few m-— moody monday (@mdob11) March 25, 2015
[my desk is already on fire]
Back in the day before booty calls, they had booty pigeons.— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) March 26, 2015
I don’t use Tinder. It’s crude and immature. I believe in meeting people face-to-face and tossing them to the left if I don’t like them.— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) March 23, 2015
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?— very handsome keith (@ghostkrogh) March 26, 2015
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Eric is a comedy writer based in Michigan. Follow @dubstep4dads on Twitter.