In the mood for some laughs? Here’s the best tweets from the past week. If you like these, be sure to follow them and then you can find some laughs every single day.
when you google a female celebrity and “Eating Spaghetti” is the autocomplete, it’s because of me.— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) April 2, 2015
How in the hell has Mr. Potato Head not rotted yet. He’s 60 years old. My kids and I constantly scream for answers about the immortal potato— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) March 26, 2015
[date orders a glass of water]— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 30, 2015
Sharks live in that [pushes chair back from table] that’s what sharks live in.
Me: [reads prescription] 20mg of Stop Being a Bitch?— noog (@noog) April 2, 2015
Psychiatrist: That can’t be right
Psychiatrist: Sorry that should say 40mg
hi I saw your advert on tv so I’m calling— josh (@ruinedpicnic) March 30, 2015
“how can I help?”
I don’t know what you do it just said ‘CALL NOW’ in all caps so it seemed urgent
No I don’t want any of your precious “guac”— madeleine sweet (@madeleinesweet) March 31, 2015
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: then please get your hand out of it
Did the guy from nickelback ever make it as a wise man— jon (@senderblock23) March 30, 2015
“I Can, But I Don’t Want To.” - A Sequel to My Best-Selling Memoir, “I Can’t.”— Kate (@katethewasp) March 31, 2015
Robert Plant turned down $800m for a Zeppelin reunion. I would probably eat a battery for 20 bucks— Grace Spelman (@GraceSpelman) March 28, 2015
Obama: joe we need to fix the economy— Karl From Online (@HammerFist3) April 2, 2015
Biden: [blows on economy like a Nintendo cartridge]
The paleo diet is to eat only foods cavemen would have eaten. So, fruity pebbles, cocoa pebbles, the oatmeal with little dinosaur eggs, etc.— Mike F (@mikefossey) April 2, 2015
me: i have an inability to trust— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) March 28, 2015
drive-thru: we can double cup your coffee if that helps
me: it does, thanks.
Is it “fleek” or “on fleek”? I want grandmas eulogy to be just right.— A Good Toilet (@ToiletMike) March 30, 2015
I would like to know 100% less about you. pic.twitter.com/4Un0dcoFiH— Mark Leggett 🙋🏻♂️ (@markleggett) March 28, 2015
Eric is a comedy writer based in Michigan. Follow @dubstep4dads on Twitter.