In the mood for some laughs? Here’s the best tweets from the past week. If you like these, be sure to follow them and then you can find some laughs every single day.
Women with small purses: where do you keep your 70 lbs of trash— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) April 5, 2015
[Interview with a time traveller]— Shawn (@online_shawn) April 6, 2015
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”
It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
The average dick is 6 inches. I am 12.7 dicks tall. I walked 7,200 dicks today. Get your oil changed every 15,840,000 dicks.— M. Uh (@emmatheist) April 5, 2015
“Fuck it! Let’s make PAUL BLART: MALL COP 2.” - some drug addict,— Brendan Smith (@blacksab67) April 7, 2015
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing— Michael (@Home_Halfway) April 7, 2015
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
“Do you smoke after sex?”— Mariah AD Carry (@hamsandcastle) April 9, 2015
*I already have my earbuds in and am playing Pokémon* hm?
WHAT DO WE WANT?— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) April 6, 2015
wtf we’re having sex
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
where did you even get a megaphone
magician: hey, what’s this behind your ear [coin touches the child’s hearing aid causing crazy guitar amp feedback]— Ceej (@ceejoyner) April 3, 2015
I don’t want to learn karate but I really need a new belt— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 7, 2015
Jaden Smith is the worst roommate I’ve ever had. pic.twitter.com/hdfxZ88fWz— Rob Fee (@robfee) April 8, 2015
*in a saloon wearing spurs and shit* what whiskey you got? ah hell just give me a bottle of the stuff that tastes like the cinnamon candies— Dorian Gary (@MichaelSmartGuy) April 3, 2015
What should we call this giant advertising board?— Hippo (@InternetHippo) April 6, 2015
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
i keep one of those smaller tissues boxes in the car for easy & convenient on-the-go crying— Moron duh (@mirswagnda) April 7, 2015
Eric is a comedy writer based in Michigan. Follow @dubstep4dads on Twitter.