In the mood for some laughs? Here’s the best tweets from the past week. If you like these, be sure to follow them and then you can find some laughs every single day.
I used some no more tears shampoo in 1997 and I’ve felt nothing since— josh (@ruinedpicnic) April 11, 2015
i enjoying mysekf by the lake, but then i remembered instances of regret in my life, and pain i have caused others pic.twitter.com/KASFAIIQWc— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) April 8, 2015
Life is just a long slow reveal that most of your favorite songs are actually covers.— maura quint (@behindyourback) April 12, 2015
Me: Who tracked mud through the house?!— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 16, 2015
2-year-old: A dinosaur.
Me: Are you sure about that?
2: It was just a little one.
*break-in at a florist*— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) April 16, 2015
COP: *pointing gun* hold it right there—no sudden movements
HUMMINGBIRD IN A SKI MASK: shitshitshitshit
Me: dude it’s cool. I don’t need a ride, I’ve been there like 50 times before. I’ll meet you there later— David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 14, 2015
Arresting officer: get in the car
Why the hell is Spanish ESPN called ESPN Deportes and not ESPÑol— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) April 16, 2015
HEAD OF THE NATIONAL WEATHER SEVICE: so how will we name all these hurricanes?— great, person (@hippieswordfish) April 10, 2015
GARY, WHOS BEEN DIVORCED 31 TIMES: i have an idea
*taps chin* “Now how can I make wind annoying?” - inventor of the wind chime— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) April 15, 2015
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…— Daniel “Kibblesmith” (@kibblesmith) April 13, 2015
*returns tent to Target*— moderate tipper (@sad_tree) April 8, 2015
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Apparently when someone says they’re getting married you’re supposed to say “Congratulations” and not “Why”— Hippo (@InternetHippo) April 15, 2015
[Dog Restaurant]— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) April 15, 2015
“Is the Book Report any good?”
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
its so much better, you sit on your hand until you lose all feeling and it feels like someone else is signing the divorce papers— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) April 16, 2015
is anyone here a doctor? I’ve always wanted to kiss a doctor— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) April 10, 2015
Eric is a comedy writer based in Michigan. Follow @dubstep4dads on Twitter.