In the mood for some laughs? Here’s the best tweets from the past week. If you like these, be sure to follow them and then you can find some laughs every single day.
I think alt j is just a bug that figured out how to operate a megaphone 📢🐜— Government Tanks (@Burger_Time_) May 20, 2015
DOG: I think that job interview went well!— Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 20, 2015
*looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a
You… are my muse. No. Wait. My mule- No! My muse. I dunno. Either way, I’m gonna ask you to put a bunch of drugs up your butt— Bob Heller (@Bob_Heller) May 19, 2015
There’s normal people and there’s people that say “we’re pregnant.”— Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan) May 19, 2015
Idea: Cars that won’t turn unless you use your god damn blinkers.— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 19, 2015
My favorite super hero is my dad :) He is either invisible or flew away right when I was born :)— ive depression (@danchovy) May 19, 2015
I’m not saying I over complicate things but I probably would’ve spent a lot of time trying to make ice hands before I thought of oven mitts.— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) May 18, 2015
[slow motion shot of me naked, running as fast as I can away from a huge explosion in a dildo factory. my face contorts as things fly up me]— Paul (@FrenulumBreve) May 20, 2015
[undoes GFs bra first time]— k e e t 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) May 17, 2015
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Just wiped my butt with my left hand because my baby was sleeping in my right arm, so Cirque du Soleil can blow me.— rob delaney (@robdelaney) May 15, 2015
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 'swags’ for my son.— Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) May 13, 2015
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any 'baes’?
Do vampires know about giraffes?— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) May 18, 2015
denim shorts should be called recessive jeans— zoë bread (@zoebread) May 15, 2015
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse— Joe West (@joejwest) May 20, 2015
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Store mannequins are great for helping you know what you’d look like in that outfit if you lost 30 lbs and cut your head off.— MJ (@sucittaM) May 21, 2015
Eric is a comedy writer based in Michigan. Follow @dubstep4dads on Twitter.