In the mood for some laughs? Well we’ve got you covered. Here you’ll find the best tweets from the past week (in terms of funniness.) If you like these tweets, make sure and follow the characters who wrote them so then you’ll be sure to find something to laugh at each every day.
god: u gotta build a boat— chuuch (@ch000ch) May 31, 2015
noah: can’t u build ur own boat.. i mean, ur god
god: [nervously] no i can i just wanna see if u know how
JIM: I’ve got an idea. Let’s call this place “Jimadelphia”— cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) June 3, 2015
[PHIL is creeping up from behind with a crowbar]
I caught my son doing cocaine and forced him to snort the whole ounce, and, well-— Glenn Loury 2.0 (@justabloodygame) May 31, 2015
*sighs and stares at casket*
…I’m gonna miss you, buddy.
Wait come back, I didn’t mean it when I was just being myself— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) June 4, 2015
If I had a time machine i’d go back & give cavemen some crackers & beer so that I don’t have to ever hear about the Paleo diet again.— denise (@Stellacopter) May 31, 2015
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?— Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) June 2, 2015
ME: To see my rare Magic cards?
COP: No because you w-
ME: *takes out Black Lotus*
COP: OMFG awesome
On average, every store in Toronto is a Tim Horton’s.— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) June 4, 2015
[firmly closes book] I only counted one monte cristo in the whole damn thing— elaine (@IRLPepperMD) June 1, 2015
EXECUTIONER: “Any last words?”— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) June 3, 2015
ME: *shows them cellphone screen* “Would you tweet that?”
At aquariums, fish think we’re the attractions. Don’t disappoint them. Do the moonwalk. Kiss a stranger. Put on a show. Make it memorable.— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) June 3, 2015
school made me feel sad and isolated all the time but it was worth it to know who invented a the cotton gin— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) May 30, 2015
the best part of becoming single imo was that month between “cool i can date any girl i want now” and “oh right no i fucking can’t”— rob whisman (@robwhisman) May 31, 2015
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) June 4, 2015
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I say potato you say potato, another guy says potato, everyone starts chanting potato, the potato meeting was a huge success— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) May 31, 2015
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]— stefan (@boring_as_heck) May 30, 2015
Me: is that good