In the mood for some laughs? Well we’ve got you covered. Below you’ll find the funniest most amazing most fabulous tweets from this past week. Don’t doubt us, it’s true. If you like these tweets, make sure and follow the characters who wrote them so then you’ll be sure to find something to laugh at each every day.
Sir you can’t do that here— Licensed Esthetician (@SortaBad) August 2, 2015
“Don’t worry, it’s just an e-cigarette”
Sir vaping is fine, I need you to stop masturbating
Me: Did Gary come over earlier?— josh (@ruinedpicnic) August 6, 2015
Wife: Uhh yeah
Parrot: Oh yeah Gary, fuck me!
[looks at wife]
Me: My god… Gary fucked our parrot
Yes I did spend $2000 on this new MacBook & $300 on Final Cut Pro but guess what these vines of me vaping are gonna look fucking incredible— normal guy (@fijiwaterpapi) August 2, 2015
Dear every girl who has ever been in 6th grade,— Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) July 30, 2015
We are all super disappointed you never became a marine biologist.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”— ceeks (@70Ceeks) August 4, 2015
“BanaNA” he moans
if your haunted attic doesn’t have a rocking horse that rocks itself please don’t waste my fucking time— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 3, 2015
Uuugh, everyone is getting married or having babies or being born or going to the beach or dying or going to school or at work.— Daniel Spenser (@DanSpenser) July 31, 2015
83% of parenting is being able to watch the same movie 1,203,553 times— Tim (@Playing_Dad) August 3, 2015
waiter: ok who ordered the giant bowl of sugar?— Eyes Wide Butt 🌹 (@eyeswidebutt) August 5, 2015
ant: wtf why is everyone looking at me fuck u guys
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.— Cat Friendship Club (@iLikeCatShirts) August 5, 2015
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) August 5, 2015
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
*Tinky Winky desperately tries to turn off his stomach TV as it just blares porn*— Good Boy Inc. (@_MStJohn) August 2, 2015
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?— matt (@shadygrenade) August 5, 2015
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I don’t ask for much, I just want the entire family who sings that Weezer song in that commercial to die in a fiery car crash— Paige (@PeachCoffin) August 2, 2015