Compiled for your enjoyment, here are the 15 funniest tweets of this week. If you’re not following these characters already, make it happen. Otherwise you’ll be missing out on some of the most clever and hilarious minds on Twitter.
Follow Eric on twitter: @dubstep4dads
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:— Ristolable (@Ristolable) August 13, 2014
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
(commercial for eggs)— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) August 16, 2014
*places tiny backwards hat on an egg*
*dribbles basketball* Hey kids, you know what’s “whack?” Doing drugs. *tries to dribble between legs and the ball gets away*— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 15, 2014
Just sucked my gut in when I saw a cute dog.— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) August 14, 2014
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly— chuuch (@ch000ch) August 14, 2014
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation’s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) August 13, 2014
Jokes on you, hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Disney on Ice tickets and a golf umbrella.— Steven Amiri (@SteveAmiri) August 12, 2014
“And how would you like your steak, sir?”— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) August 17, 2014
“Probably a lot. That’s why I ordered it.”
What’s the parking situation like at an orgy. Do you think people carpool— Churlish (@Cryptoterra) August 11, 2014
College is probably the most expensive way to get really good at Mario Kart.— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) August 13, 2014
WHY DOES CHEESE NEED A TV COMERCIAL. WHO ISNT ALREADY CONSTANTLY THINKIMG ABOT CHEESE. WHO NEEDS TO ACTUALY BE CONVINCED TO EAT CHEESE— jomny sun (@jonnysun) August 16, 2014
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “um why is she sweating so much”— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) August 18, 2014
A group of white girls is called an “ugh”— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) August 15, 2014
“Dad, why do you & mom sleep in different beds?”— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) August 10, 2014
“Because my dick can still reach hahaha just kidding we don’t love each other any more”