Compiled for your enjoyment, here are the 15 funniest tweets of this week. If you’re not following these characters already, make it happen. Otherwise you’ll be missing out on some of the most clever and hilarious minds on Twitter.
Follow Eric on twitter: @dubstep4dads
whoever keeps playing the bassline from Seinfeld every time I come home please stop I haven’t slept in weeks and now my hair is falling out— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) August 25, 2014
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) August 27, 2014
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
911, what’s your emergency— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) August 25, 2014
“I’m masturbating too much”
Sir that’s not really a problem
“one sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE”
Little Miss Muffet— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) August 25, 2014
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey;
Along came a spider
Who sat down beside her
And said what the fuck is a tuffet
Is it okay to break up by text if you’ve only been married two years?— lady broseph (@ladybroseph) August 27, 2014
[inside fighter jet]— brent (@murrman5) August 25, 2014
I hate this cd
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
russian dolls but inside each one is an increasingly lil'er wayne— mustard jackpots (@nice_mustard) August 27, 2014
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.— pat tobin (@tastefactory) August 25, 2014
*Skee-lo rubs magic lamp*— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) August 23, 2014
I wish I was a little bit taller.
Genie: Ok. You WERE a little bit taller.
Genie: Now you have scoliosis.
*Looks up at the stars* do you think my dog’s password is my name with a bunch of numbers— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) August 27, 2014
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.— Karan Lyons (@karanlyons) August 22, 2014
A fun thing to do is to seductively whisper “Oh yeahhhh” every time the dude adds an ingredient to your Subway sandwich.— Entrée 3000 (@PaulyPeligroso) August 26, 2014
What’s the difference between jelly and jam?— ROB FEE (@robfee) August 24, 2014
Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny didn’t shoot some hoops and save the world in Space Jelly.
Steve Buscemi always looks like you just told him he has to move back in with his parents— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 27, 2014
What idiot called it Cloud City instead of Land O’ Calrissian?— Lyle Clip Art (@Kyle_Lippert) August 26, 2014