Compiled for your enjoyment, here are the 15 funniest tweets of this week. If you’re not following these characters already, make it happen. Otherwise you’ll be missing out on some of the most clever and hilarious minds on Twitter.
Follow Eric on twitter: @dubstep4dads
excuse me mr. taxi driver, are you a lawyer now? cause you just passed the bar. turn the fuxk around— chet porter (@chetporter) August 30, 2014
Joke’s on you, guys who drew dicks on my face at the party last night. I have a job interview at the dick face store this morning.— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) August 29, 2014
“Here we are.”— philippe iujvidin (@philyuck) September 3, 2014
I thought we were going to the camoflauge store? This is just an empty field.
“No it’s not.”
Oh this place is good.
Hot Cooking Tip: organize your drawers to make cooking easier. Don’t forget to label everything! pic.twitter.com/B3tidiDX4l— Mike F (@mikefossey) September 1, 2014
“I don’t think you understand how words work”— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 3, 2014
What? Hell, I overstand how words work
If women don’t want their nudes leaked they should stay in their reptile form until mating season like the rest of us— Paolo, A Wife Fucker (@mattytalks) September 1, 2014
Mark, step into my office. Close the door. Check out the glowing stars I put on the ceiling haha I hate working here, dude.— Ceej (@ceejoyner) August 30, 2014
Oh, you play fantasy football? I too, haven’t had sex in a while.— Erica (@SCbchbum) September 4, 2014
[Iron chef]— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) September 2, 2014
The secret ingredient is “sexual tension.” *the hosts starts rubbing my shoulders* Am I right?“
Bouncer: show this man the door— luke [from online] (@internetluke) September 3, 2014
*walks over to door*
Bouncer 2: so here it is. It’s a solid oak door. We just revarnished it
Me: nice nice
Just saw a guy’s fedora get blown off by the wind. If God ever tried to send a message to humankind, the time is now.— Michael, still here (@Home_Halfway) September 3, 2014
Still no update on "stop, drop and roll”? That’s literally still the best advice we have for being on fire?— cecil lion (dead) (@Karate_Horse) August 29, 2014
Dunkin Donuts are way more gangsta than Three Point Shooting Donuts— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) August 31, 2014
Lawyer: We plead insanity. As you can see your honor, the loss has made my client lose his mind.— Thynebear (@Thynebear) September 3, 2014
(Judge, whispering) up in here, up in here.