Compiled for your enjoyment, here are the 15 funniest tweets of this week. If you’re not following these characters already, make it happen. Otherwise you’ll be missing out on some of the most clever and hilarious minds on Twitter.
meet jim, he has all our best ideas— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) September 3, 2014
“bullshit prove it”
“ok i open a strip club in iraq what do i call it”
baghdad ass up
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) September 10, 2014
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k
(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
[i go to shake my girlfriend’s dad’s hand and it accidentally opens my apple watch web browser to a crazy loud porn video clip]— lawblob (@lawblob) September 9, 2014
I wanted some, but my anaconda didn’t.— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) September 10, 2014
That’s when I talked to my doctor about Cialis.
Apple Watch would be a good name for Gwyneth Paltrow’s nanny.— (((𝕺𝖍𝕹𝖔𝕾𝖍𝖊𝕿𝖜𝖎𝖙𝖓𝖙))) (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 10, 2014
Sorry I fell through your roof shrieking “I’M READY I LIKE YOU” 13 seconds after you calmly texted “let’s hang out sometime”— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) September 10, 2014
Dating tip: Confuse each other till one of you dies— moody monday (@mdob11) September 7, 2014
before you judge a parent who puts their kid on a leash consider this: maybe their kid wants to be a dog, i want to be a dog— Zachary Flynn (@zacharyflynn) September 8, 2014
is the chinese symbol for corn dog just combining corn and dog? look im not trying to be difficult. i just wanna get this tattoo right— kiddo (@mrsjohngoodman) September 11, 2014
Surmise if i bought a thesaurus or not— Megan Amram (@meganamram) September 8, 2014
accidentally had the step-counter on while i was wearin my apple watch. turns out i jerked off 2.3 miles this mornin— nicole (@relatabledad) September 10, 2014
Weight loss is all about portion control. Eat half at the restaurant and finish the rest of it shamefully in the dark.— Molly (@Molly_Kats) September 4, 2014
*accidentally knocks ‘G’ off graveyard sign*— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) September 5, 2014
*skeletons rise from ground twirling glowsticks dancing like crazy*
Eric is a comedy writer based in Michigan. Follow @dubstep4dads on Twitter.