In the mood for some laughs? Well we’ve got you covered. Below you’ll find the funniest most amazing most fabulous tweets from this past week. Don’t doubt us, it’s true. If you like these tweets, make sure and follow the characters who wrote them so then you’ll be sure to find something to laugh at each every day.
[Scientists gathered around microwave]— Brother Batlover (@theowljim) October 4, 2015
*The bug inside explodes*
*They nod at each other*
*One writes down “hell yeah” on his notepad*
dry skin? flaky scalp?— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) November 3, 2015
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
[sees someone bobbing for apples] There has to be a better way— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) October 31, 2015
Security: do u need help— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) November 3, 2015
Me: Oh you meant like right now
Every story about edible weed:— Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) November 1, 2015
1. Not high.
2. Not high.
3. Still not high.
4. Not high.
5. Please drive me to the emergency room.
Part of being an adult is having to be nice to kids, even if you know the kid is a lying little overly dramatic fuckface— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) October 29, 2015
Sex with me is like coffee. Hot. Steamy. You want it first thing in the morning. You can buy it at a gas station— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) October 28, 2015
welcome to denny’s. don’t eat that brown stuff. that’s tables— WigCannon (@WigCannon) November 1, 2015
I’m the old guy in viagra commercials that plays bass guitar in the old man garage band. I don’t need the pills, I’m just here to rock.— lawblob (@lawblob) November 4, 2015
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.— Sean (@seandunn76) November 4, 2015
*Blink 182 starts playing “All The Small Things” at concert*— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) November 3, 2015
My dick: Aw hell yeah!!
[my siri gets home]— Turkey (@InternetHippo) November 2, 2015
SIRI: Today he asked me if carrots sleep
HUSBAND: Why are you doing this, you have a master’s degree
SIRI: HE NEEDS ME
me: I’ll leave the hall light on, so burglars won’t break in.— g0m (@g0m) October 28, 2015
burglar: That wasteful fucker left the lights on. Let’s break in and kill him
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.— maura “are jack and biz nazis?” quint (@behindyourback) November 2, 2015