Compiled for your enjoyment, here are the 15 funniest tweets of this week. If you’re not following these characters already, make it happen. Otherwise you’ll be missing out on some of the most clever and hilarious minds on Twitter.
beer commercials are very unrealistic. who the hell has THREE friends— Cohen KING OF GHOSTS (@skullmandible) November 27, 2014
Pigeon Cop: sir, we need you to open the trunk.— Pigeon Cop (@PigeonCop) November 23, 2014
[Trunk opens. its filled with hundreds of bags of wonder bread. Rookie pigeon cop vomits]
[baby says its first word] umm excuse me I was talking— Thynebear (@Thynebear) November 24, 2014
Shout out to the girl traveling with a hula hoop for having the most inconvenient whimsical hobby possible— Eli Yudin (@eliyudin) November 26, 2014
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 23, 2014
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
[snoop dogg at thanksgiving table] I’ll take a small piece of some of that funky stuff— jon (@senderblock23) November 26, 2014
Businesses that promise to treat me like family don’t seem to understand what a terrifying threat that really is.— shauna (@goldengateblond) November 26, 2014
If you’re a fish restaurant and you don’t have a dish called 'turnip the bass’ then I’m not interested.— Joe Lycett (@joelycett) November 23, 2014
A girl in the break room just said quietly under her breath, “hummus is yum-mus.”— James Austin Johnson (@ChamesAustin) November 26, 2014
“Ugly sweater” is less an article of clothing than it is a two-word description of me working out.— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) November 24, 2014
To get Comcast to actually cancel my service, I told the guy I was going to prison. When he asked what for I said KILLING A PHONE SALES REP— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) November 22, 2014
Yes, I know how to have sex! Why do you keep asking me that?! Now then, let me just place… my butt… on top of… your butt…— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) November 26, 2014
[checks under bed for monsters] actually son, there’s like a ton of monsters under there. better let me sleep in the race car bed tonight— chuuch (@ch000ch) November 24, 2014
Eric is a comedy writer based in Michigan. Follow @dubstep4dads on Twitter.