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TIME’s Person of the Year: The Least Popular Candidates

TIME’s Person of the Year: The Least Popular Candidates: REUTERS / Alamy Stock Photo

REUTERS / Alamy Stock Photo

In a very fitting farewell to 2016, TIME magazine just named Donald Trump its Person of the Year. There have been some controversial winners in the past, so this shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise, but what may surprise you are the nominees that finished at the bottom of the shortlist. You have to consider quite a few people before anointing the most notable of the year, and some of those people have to occupy the lower percentiles. Of course, not all of them are demogorgons from Hell; some are just regular folks that, through no fault of their own, the internet would not stop shoving in our faces.

In any case, here are 14 definitely-not-made-up Person of the Year also-rans.


1. THE CAST OF DIRTY GRANDPA
If you were one of the tens of people who enjoyed Dirty Grandpa, then this might come as a shock for you. For those of us who decided to take a hard pass on watching 90 minutes of horny Robert DeNiro, the only surprise is that it wasn’t marketed as a Zac Efron double feature with that abomination in which he was a struggling DJ just trying to make it in the ever so popular San Fernando Valley DJ scene. (For more information, read our review, “Dear God, Dirty Grandpa is Not Good.” —Ed)

2. KEN BONE
Never has an internet celebrity felt so forced and unnecessary as the famed undecided voter Ken Bone. Trust me, I realize the redundancy of calling an internet celebrity “unnecessary,” but we’re talking about a man who still hadn’t decided which way he wanted to vote months into perhaps the most polarizing election in American history. Plus, he kind of looks like Wario.

3. RYAN LOCHTE
You know how people yell at athletes to just shut up and play? For Ryan Lochte, that’s a great piece of advice. After giving us some of the most mind-numbingly dumb interviews, he took things to another level this year by falsely claiming to have been robbed in Rio during the Olympics. We can only imagine what’s next for him!

4. CHEWBACCA MOM
After a video of her laughing at a children’s toy in a Kohl’s parking lot went viral, Satan announced that the fifth Sign of the Apocalypse was now complete and that his dark minions were very excited about their upcoming slaughter of mankind.

5. THE STARS OF VINE
The announcement of Vine coming to an end has left hundreds of guys with multiple first names who dress like human Fruit Roll-Ups in a panic. But the panic doesn’t stop with the stars; it affects us as well. Who is going to celebrate casual racism and criminally unfunny jokes in six-second intervals anymore? These are truly dark times.

6. JARED LETO AS THE JOKER
Not since Dustin Diamond’s sex tape has an actor been as in-your-face annoying about a performance that lasted less than 10 minutes. The stories of Leto torturing his Suicide Squad cast mates to stay in character were as absurd and ridiculous as the Halloween costumes it inspired.

7. HARAMBE
The infamous gorilla may have been shot to death at the Cincinnati Zoo, but jokes about him were flogged to death on the internet in a way we’d never seen before. Here’s hoping parents don’t lose track of their kids at the zoo in 2017, if for no other reason than to prevent future meme fatigue.

8. KANYE WEST’S TOUR MANAGER
After showing up hours late, performing a handful of songs, then incoherently ranting about Beyoncé and Jay Z and praising Donald Trump, it was clear that Kanye was not doing well, even by Kanye standards. The remainder of the Saint Pablo tour was soon cancelled, meaning refunds had to be issued for thousands upon thousands of fans. There’s no better feeling in business than having a day where you make negative one zillion dollars.

9. ZUBAT
Pokémon Go swept the world for a few weeks before Niantic dropped the ball harder than Michael Crabtree running a fade route. It was incredibly addictive, but we quickly learned the one guy to avoid was Zubat. His evolved form, Golbat, was pure garbage and, unlike a Pidgey or Rattata, he was way too difficult to catch. It got to the point where I’d rather try and catch an actual bat with my hands than waste Pokéballs on a stupid Zubat.

10. CRYING JORDAN
Michael Jordan’s emotional moment became the Michael Jordan of memes as his ugly-cry was crudely Photoshopped onto anyone who had failed in any way whatsoever. If there’s one image that sums up all of 2016, it’s the Space Jam star weeping just like I wept when I found out LeBron was making Space Jam 2.

11. RAPPING LENA DUNHAM
It’s truly unbelievable that Lena Dunham, whom you might know as the source of every other eyeroll in 2016, didn’t sway the election with her rap video about sensual pantsuits. It’s too bad Amy Schumer couldn’t have merged her Beyoncé parody into this one, so we could have one “white girl thinking it’s cute to pretend to be a rapper” video to ignore instead of two.

12. TED CRUZ The highlights of Ted Cruz’s year included an internet investigation to figure out what fell from his mouth onto his lip during a debate (he also ate whatever it was, by the way) and a conspiracy that accused him of being the Zodiac Killer, or the singer of Stryper. That is, to say the least, quite a year.

13. DAT BOI
The poorly designed frog on a unicycle peddled his way into our hearts for reasons that I’ll never truly understand. He’s the reason your parents assume you’re on drugs, and I sort of understand where they’re coming from. Have you ever tried to explain a meme in real life? It’s like trying to explain the plot of Westworld or, even worse, having someone try and explain the plot of Westworld to you.

14. ANTHONY WEINER
Anthony Weiner may be the only person in the galaxy who needs to have his phone and internet privileges revoked more than Donald Trump. At some point his PR team should’ve just gotten him a PornHub membership and 24/7 access to a room full of lotions and Fleshlights called “Anthony’s Place.” Statistically, a sex toy is 90 percent less likely to go to the press than a random internet mistress. I don’t have a source for that, but this is the internet. Who needs sources? Right, Mr. Bannon? Oh shit, why aren’t you on this list?

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