Chip Kelly is either a genius, or completely insane. His offseason moves rival that of a bored 14-year-old in his 12th season of a Madden franchise. But is the Philadelphia Eagles’ coach finished? Not even close. Here are 13 trades Chip Kelly will probably make before the 2015 NFL season begins.
1. Mark Sanchez will be traded to Houston for Tom Savage and the rights to Andre Johnson’s highlights while he was on the team. They’ll then trade Savage to Carolina in exchange for Greg Olsen so he can teach Kelly how to make his bangs look like he works at Hollister.
2. All of Philadelphia’s 2019 draft picks will be traded to the Cincinnati Bengals for the unconditional rights to the horse Chad OchoCinco beat in a race in 2007 as well as Marvin Lewis’ collection of rare and exotic swords. The trade will come under fire when Lewis later reveals he purchased the swords in bulk from a storage locker in 2012 after he got really into Storage Wars on A&E.
3. Jordan Matthews will be traded to the Atlanta Falcons in exchange for the rights to the term “Hotlanta.” Chip Kelly will then have his name legally changed to Hotlanta Kelly and brag to everyone that Ludacris and Nelly are rapping about him in several of their tracks.
4. Connor Barwin will be lost to the Baltimore Ravens when Kelly challenges Joe Flacco and John Harbaugh to a three-legged race. Kelly somehow forgets to bring a partner and insists he can still race using his pet cat. Kelly will lose the race and, as a result of multiple cat scratches, his lymph nodes will become very swollen and he’ll miss the entire preseason.
5. Kelly will be the center of controversy when he offers DeMarco Murray to the Cleveland Browns in exchange for Joe Haden, but later reveals he had his fingers crossed and added a clause in the trade that said, “If Cleveland agrees to the trade while I have my fingers crossed, we keep DeMarco, get Joe Haden, and Johnny Manziel has to drink out of a toilet.” The Browns have no choice but to follow through and Manziel drinking out of a toilet is the highest rated Cleveland sporting event of the year.
6. The Eagles will sign Tim Tebow then trade him to the Miami Dolphins for an $18 Arby’s gift card. Mel Kiper gives the Eagles an A+ for the trade and after Kelly orders 6 roast beef sandwiches it becomes obvious he got the better end of the transaction.
7. In a bizarre move, Sam Bradford will be traded back to the Rams for an unknown player named Bam Sadford. It turns out it’s just Sam Bradford wearing a fake mustache and goatee like David Hasselhoff used to do on Knight Rider when he played the villain, Garthe Knight. No one has any idea why they did this, but Kelly said it was “cool as heck because goatees rule.”
8. With a decreased role with the team, Chris Polk will demand a trade, so Chip Kelly will trade him to the Bears for Jay Cutler. The trade will seem like a steal for the Eagles, but in typical Jay Cutler form, he will try to go to Philadelphia and end up in Detroit.
9. Kelly will proudly announce he’s made a huge trade involving Fletcher Cox and Ryan Matthews, but will then become very confused when he realizes he was attempting to trade Fletcher Cox, who plays for the Eagles, for Ryan Matthews, who also plays for the Eagles.
10. In a truly bizarre move, Lane Johnson will be traded to the NBC Network, where he’ll do commentary and provide expert advice. In exchange, Kelly will get to perform on The Voice and then sit in Pharrell Williams’ lap while they spin around in his chair for 3 minutes.
11. Kelly will nearly pull off a blockbuster trade that would send Evan Mathis and Riley Cooper to the Giants in exchange for Eli Manning and several draft picks. Unfortunately the trade falls through when Eli can’t figure out how to sign his name without using a crayon.
12. Kiko Alonso will be traded to New England for Jerod Mayo. That’s just a good trade. They don’t all have to be silly, you know.
13. The league will become concerned about Kelly’s mental state when he announces he’s traded himself for a new coach named The Great Chipperino. To no one’s surprise this new coach turns out to be a face Kelly has drawn on his hand and speaks in a high pitched version of Kelly’s voice.
Rob is a writer and comedian based in Louisville, KY. Follow @robfee on Twitter.