If you’re looking for advice and can’t wait for Parade magazine to write you back, here’s a batch of tweets that offers guidance with a twist of humor. While you’re at it, go ahead and follow these comedians, entertainers and other funny characters for more wisdom and laughs.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, especially if you shoot the apple out of a T-shirt cannon at the doctor’s face.— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) July 23, 2014
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” is the fanciest way to say “you’re just not my type.”— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 27, 2014
Blood is thicker than water, but frosting is thicker than both. Leave your family and start a new life with cupcakes. Find happiness.— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) January 3, 2014
‘Tis better to have loved and lost than to have your nipples ripped off by a rabid chimpanzee, but only marginally better.— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) August 19, 2014
“The PEN IS mightier than the sword” is my favorite metaphor to use the wrong emphasis on the wrong syllables.— ⓛⓐⓜⓔ ᗪᗩᗪ (@jergarl) February 15, 2014
No YOU’RE thirteen.
Dance like you’re not getting too old for this shit.— Erica (@SCbchbum) August 29, 2014
Don’t cry over spilt milk unless you’ve already put the vodka and Kahlúa in.— Jimmer Cork-Bottle (@JimmerThatisAll) December 29, 2013
Remember: there are always more fish in the sea. Of course they’re likely poorer fish, such as cod or hake. #PoppysTips— Poppy Carlton (@PoppyCarlton) July 10, 2014
“misery loves company” no I don’t— Paige (@PeachCoffin) August 4, 2014
Curiosity killed the cat.— Ham on Wry (@realHamOnWry) April 6, 2014
Which I was pretty happy to hear, because I thought I got him with the lawn mower.
Whoever said two heads are better than one didn’t have as many as I have because eighteen is seriously a storage nightmare.— Jason L. Voorhees (@JasonLVoorhees) August 1, 2014
Hell hath no fury like a woman who has just looked at all her tagged photos on Facebook— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) July 19, 2014
Gloria is a writer based in New York City. Follow Gloria on twitter: @GloriaFallon123