If you’re looking for advice and can’t wait for Parade magazine to write you back, here’s a batch of motivational tweets that aren’t really all that motivational. And go ahead and follow these comedians, entertainers and just plain funny people for more wisdom and laughs.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back to you, guess what? YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH A WITCH.— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) March 27, 2013
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; cast Abe Vigoda as ‘Fish,’ and he will live forever.— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) September 14, 2014
Don’t judge a book by its cover. Unless its cover says “Tit Party,” because that’s probably an awesome book.— rob delaney (@robdelaney) January 29, 2013
Curiosity killed the cat.— Carly Danger (@carlyken) April 14, 2013
Curiosity went to jail.
The cat has eight more lives.
I hope curiosity learned a lesson here.
All work and no play means I’ll get more work, right?— Taran Killam (@TaranKillam) May 3, 2014
Whoever came up with the phrase “A watched pot never boils” was probably just embarrassed because he forgot to turn the burner on.— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) November 19, 2013
You don’t shit where you eat. You do that where you brush your teeth.— David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 29, 2014
Better to be safe than sorry. Even better to be slightly obsessive compulsive.— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) October 16, 2014
An apple a day is bogus. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.— Miss Leah 🍑 (@LeahsLounge) July 21, 2014
Find a penny pick it up, all day long you’ll have nothing but a gross penny you found in some filthy parking lot.— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 11, 2013
If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not trying to do easy enough stuff.— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) March 7, 2013
Gloria is a writer based in New York City. Follow Gloria on twitter: @GloriaFallon123