The legendary New York City bar owner Toots Shor, who knocked them back with everyone from Frank Sinatra to Joe Dimaggio, used to say that the only night of the year that he didn’t drink was New Year’s Eve because it was “amateur night.” While Shor definitely had a point, anyone who has been out on December 31 knows that he was using too broad a brush. There are so many different kinds of amateurs who like to tie one on on New Year’s Eve.
Here is a handy guide to the 12 types of drunks you meet on the final night of the year. Which one are you?
“2015 is totally going to be the year that I travel to Mongolia. And start doing Soul Cycle. Are you gluten free?”
The Shots Guy
Get ready to hear the phrase “Fireball coming!” repeatedly until this guy turns into either The Vomiter or The Sleeper.
The Happy Drunk
Alcohol is just the greatest thing ever, amirite? And you’re great too. And she’s great. And this barstool is great.
The Quiet Drunk
It may look like this guy is sitting there judging you, but the fact is he’s slipped into a catatonic state.
The Ladies Man
This guy is making out with something tonight. It just may end up being the hand dryer in the bathroom.
If you really want the waterworks to flow, play The Cure’s “Boys Don’t Cry.”
Keep Purel on hand because this guy has slapped skin with everyone within a seven-mile radius.
“Let it go. Let it go. Don’t hold it back anymore.”
By the time midnight rolls around, this guy has already had a solid three hours of REM sleep.
Dr. Jekyl & Mr. Hyde
Things start off normal enough, but at a certain point, a devilish smirk overtakes this guy’s face and then it’s pure mayhem.
Give this guy wide berth because his arms are going to be swinging more than Alfonso Ribeiro’s during the Carlton Dance.
The Disappearing Act
He was there and then—poof!—he was gone. Maybe you hear from him on New Year’s Day. Maybe he doesn’t turn up for a month or two.