I mean, I think the title of this article pretty much speaks for itself. We’ve all been to Wal-Mart. We’ve all seen some of the unseemly characters that the place can attract. I once saw a guy in all camo, covered in blood, buying one solitary box of Lucky Charms and then when he got into the parking lot, he pulled out a very large knife, also covered in blood, and proceeded to spoon only the marshmallows into his mouth with it before he could even get in his truck. That’s the type of thing Reddit users have also seen at the store. Here are some of the best.
1. Unexpected Ending
An older guy, pretty dirty and homeless looking, came up and asked me to ring him up through the electronics register. He was leaning over like he had something in his jacket and his hand was inside. I thought nothing much of it, kind of expected to laugh later and say it looked like I was about to be robbed. Nope. As I scan his groceries, he looks into my eyes and says with the creepiest face and smile, “Do you want to see my treasure?” I just stared at him. What was it? A gun? His meat and potatoes? Imagine my terror as he slowly opened his jacket to reveal what appeared to be a newborn puppy, very newborn and slimy, and very much not moving.
2. This Guy’s Living the Life
We have a pretty heavy guy come in every few days (despite being banned several times). He rarely purchases anything, just rides his Scootypuff Jr. around and makes sexual comments to the women in the store. When confronted, he will explain how he is a secret operative in the CIA, or how he is actually part owner of Wal-Mart. My favorite line of his was that he was the “Prince of Oklahoma.”
3. There are More Effective Ways to Do This
The one that stands out to me the most is a guy that I affectionately nicknamed “Fresh Breath Bob.” He would come in and steal/buy as much mouthwash as he could carry to the end of the parking lot and proceed to drink it all. He would get hammered and belligerent but his breath was so fresh.
4. He Needed Those for Body Parts
I was approached by a man in his mid-50s who asked where he could find “tiramisu containers.” I never heard of such a specific item, so I asked if he wanted Tupperware and walked with him to the aisle where they could be found. Along the way, he proceeded to say the most stereotypical Italian phrases. “Bene!” “Bravo!” “Mamma Mia!” When we arrived, he thanked me and the other associate who tagged along and gave me his card. It was plain white with ONLY his name and address. We were invited to his house for, “music, tiramisu, and ROMANCE!” He then bought at least 30 Tupperware containers. A month later, while stocking, a strange Italian accent behind me told me to, “Stick my hands up!” This same guy returned and wanted to know where he could find “tiramisu containers.” I asked if he wanted Tupperware and he proceeded to buy 30 more.
5. Do All Serial Killers Shop at Wal-Mart?
So this guy used to come in late at night and had a messed up face like a burn victim. Didn’t think much of it and tried not to stare. I used to feel uneasy around the guy because he would touch my arm when he talked to me. One day I overhear some guys in the break room talk about the weird guy who wears the latex mask. It was the same dude, he wasn’t a burn victim but a normal looking guy who makes his own latex mask and for some reason wore them to Wal-Mart to go shopping. One of them found out because he was taking his mask and make up off on the city bus that they were riding together.
6. That Actually Sounds Awesome
This lady was pushing a shopping cart with a baby car seat in it. She had a bag of Cheetos opened and was eating them, pushing the cart. I saw her out of the corner of my eye grab a Cheeto, reach down and give it to the baby. I was thinking WTF when she reached in and got another, and then this tiny black hairy arm comes out. She had a freaking baby monkey dressed in baby clothes in her shopping cart with a veil covering it up so you couldn’t tell, just casually feeding it Cheetos while doing some midnight shopping.
7. Stupid Charmin Ultra!
An obese black lady who comes in almost daily, scooters around, and randomly yells at products. I saw her sternly lecturing a shampoo bottle once. She’s always pretty chipper when talking with people, but some inanimate objects just really get her goat I guess.
8. Of Course He Wanted Anime
One dude walked up to with a fake tit strapped to his chin (alternating between talking and sucking on it) and asked me if we had a certain anime. I later found out that the title he was looking for was taboo porn from the early nineties.
9. That’s Just Economical
I saw a guy wearing a rice-cooker as a hat.
RELATED: We’re Guessing A Lot of Juggalos Go to Wal-Mart