As many of you chaps already know, I love “porn” (in fact, this piece took four days longer to complete than it should have because I kept getting caught up doing “research.”) The first thing a man wants to do with me when he realizes that I’m a connoisseur of his favorite film genre is get the viewing party started. Years of these “screenings” with men have taught me a few things, and the most noticeable is that the inside of a man’s mind truly is a garbage receptacle of licentiousness.

Louis CK has an absolutely fantastic bit about the steady stream of perverted thoughts that bombard a man daily, and I can tell you it’s absolutely true, and nothing highlights it quite like watching “Her First Extreme Big Cock Anal Fuck” or “Creampied by Black Dong” together. Kudos to you, though, gentlemen—you do a damn good job of keeping a lid on the deviance and the economy from crashing all around us.

So before you “spice things up” with your longtime significant other or get funky with your new hook-up, you should know one important thing: once you give your lady a glimpse into the true, depraved, inner workings of your male mind, there is no going back. UNDERSTAND SHE MIGHT NEVER LOOK AT YOU THE SAME WAY AGAIN. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Clear Your Browser History This should be a no-brainer, and, YOU SHOULD BE DOING THIS REGULARLY ANYWAY, but I still feel the need to remind you lest in the heat of the moment she catches a glimpse of your recent selections. Up pops “Fucked by a Halloween Pumpkin Nasty Weird but Strangely Hot” and “Bizarre Anal Vegetable Insertions in Public” and the poor girl immediately questions everything she thought she knew about you and probably the world. (For the record—those are real titles, and the pumpkin video was, indeed, strangely hot.) Also, don’t forget to clear, or better yet disable, the biggest rat of all — predictive text. That way when you type an “N” into your browser your recent viewing of, ���Naughty Slutwife Gets Gallons of Pee” isn’t the first thing your lady sees.

Get comfortable Light a candle. Set some ground rules. This won’t work if she doesn’t feel safe. Adult films can make women feel very internally conflicted, so keep checking in, “Is this OK?” and if she has a history of sexual assault that she hasn’t resolved, definitely keep checking in and probably stay away from the rapey, bondage sites like, at least until you two are a little more experienced.

Let her choose INSIST that she chooses. This sets the tone for the entire experience. If she can’t decide or wants you to pick THIS IS A TEST SO CHOOSE FUCKING WISELY. MAKE SURE YOU READ ALL THE GUIDELINES BELOW CAREFULLY and just blow her mind and choose “For Women.” Or better yet “Massage” porn. Or better yet, just give her a massage. That’s guaranteed to get her wet for sure.

NEVER ASSUME WE ARE LOOKING AT THE SAME THING AS YOU We aren’t. Women and men view adult films so differently it’s almost as if we’re watching entirely separate movies. Here are some examples of typical interactions I’ve had:
Him: I see the way you’re looking at her suck that cock. You like it?
Me: Huh? Oh, I was just admiring her French manicure. I wonder where she gets her nails done.
Him: You like it when she rides that cock?
Me: Huh? Oh, I was looking at that painting—it’s so tacky! Where are they, La Quinta?

LIE: “I don’t watch that much porn” Don’t know all the adult film stars by name. You aren’t watching trailers at the AMC. “Jayden James is good although her early work is fantastic. She really hit her stride in 2007.” Or “Is that Riley Reid? Ya know she actually started as Paige Riley in 2011 but changed her name and by 2014 she had taken home 6 AVN Awards!”

LIE: “Ew. I would never want to do that!” Know your audience. If it’s her first time watching porn maybe don’t expose her to things like, “Gloryhole Secrets Redhead Swallows 13 Loads of Cum” at first. I still can’t get into creampie or bukkake, and maybe that’s just me. But many women I know gag when they watch either one of those categories. I recommend sticking to the basics. Anal. Lesbian. Threesome. This doesn’t necessarily mean forever, just until she’s been properly desensitized. And I realize it’s not exactly a man’s strength but PAY ATTENTION TO THE CUES. If you’re happily jerking off while she’s cringing or looking at the computer shocked, this is the beginning of the end, my friend.

LIE: “She’s hot, but your body is WAY better” I’ve been in bathrooms in major cities all over the world, from London to Tokyo to St. Tropez to New York City to L.A., and let me tell you guys, even the most beautiful models on the planet—women who literally get PAID for their beauty—are looking in the mirror unhappy with their looks. Yes, this is sad. But that’s another essay. Imagine what it’s like for us laypeople? And there are definitely some hot-as-fuck porn stars like Jessica Jaymes, Madison Ivy, Alexi Texas and Nikki Benz, just to name a few. Constantly remind her she’s the hottest porn star you’ll ever have in your life. We love compliments. I’m a confident Los Angeles “6” – yet I never tire of hearing that I’m “gorgeous.”

LIE: “Everyone knows squirting is fake” Speaking of unrealistic expectations, don’t make her wonder if you feel like your sex life is just a drab, black and white 1950s comedy show, complete with laugh track. This is supposed to be something sexy you do together that turns you both on—not something that makes her question whether she’s enough. Even if in your dirty mind you think, “Why don’t you ever squirt?” DO NOT UTTER THOSE WORDS or any questions that start with “Why don’t you…”

LIE: “Fake boobs are so gross” Unless she has fake boobs. Also, repeat after me, “I don’t like bleached buttholes.”

Don’t get too comfortable Now is NOT the time to introduce her to all your twisted fetishes. That’s something you have to work towards, and even then, unless you’re George R.R. Martin, it might never be OK to let your lady know you’re really into “midget incest bestiality snuff porn.”

Categories to Avoid Unequivocally: DO NOT GO HERE NO MATTER WHAT She might say she’s OK with it, but it’s a trap. A seed of doubt will be planted in her mind that will sprout roots until it grows into a beautiful Venus fly trap that will snap when you least expect it, probably in the heat of a particularly brutal fight. “Oh, yeah, well sorry I’m not your STEP-MOM, YA WEIRDO!!!”

  • Teen
    You should be doing your best to avoid these anyway, ya pervert. There is a lot of questionable gray area here, as 13-17 is also technically TEEN. Unless it’s Sasha Grey. I’ll make a sexception for her. She entered the game fucking like she had been at it for 40 years, and if you want to introduce some dirty talk into your sex life, she’s a PRO.
  • MILF/Mom/Step-Mom
    Surprisingly (or maybe not), we just covered the top four porn searches by men. Considering how often guys throw around the term “daddy issues” your porn search preferences reveal the kind of Oedipus complex that would make Freud hard.

Understand this could totally backfire Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to, such as, “Have you ever been with a guy that big?” or questions that could lead her on a dangerous trip down memory lane like, “What was your favorite threesome?” before inspiring her recollection of the hottest man of her life and making her question what on Earth she’s doing with non-threesome-making you. Also, resist the urge to get jealous when she says things like, “They make dicks that big?”

If It’s Not Working – ABANDON SHIP Many women (according to the PornHub year in review 23 percent of American women watch porn) have watched enough adult films that nothing will be shocking to them. This is not always the case, and if she’s looking more disturbed than aroused, suggest a snuggle-fest and eat her out instead.

Finally, if you’re a woman reading this you only need to know one thing about watching adult films with your gentleman: LIE. “Your cock is the biggest cock I’ve ever had”

Bridget Phetasy is a writer and comic in Los Angeles. Twitter: @BridgetPhetasy.

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