You’re naked from the waist down in a darkened room, laying on a table. Soothing music plays — Enya, perhaps, or light classical music. The scent of a lavender aromatherapy candle envelops you. A lovely woman approaches you. Her eyes are kind. She smiles.
“Spread your legs,” the woman says gently. And, closing your eyes, you do.
Then she spreads hot wax all over your balls, holds the skin taut between her fingers, applies a muslin sheet to the wax, and rips out a giant patch of your nut hair in the opposite direction of its growth.
Wait, dude, we’re not done!
She does it again, several times, before turning her attention to the hair that grows in the general vicinity of your asshole. Don’t forget the taint! After each rip, she presses her hand down on the offended area, because she is under the impression that this will make it hurt less. Depending on your skin and your experience with this procedure, you may bleed a tiny bit. Don’t worry, she’ll blot it up! And then when you’re done, she’ll slather your balls and asshole and general crotch area in aloe, and charge you $50-$150. Sorry if you bruise — it happens on occasion.
If you are willing to undergo this procedure, I will never, ever, ever criticize you for enthusiastically requesting that your lady partner get a full Brazilian wax. I will in fact salute you for your devotion to equality.
But if you’re unwilling to do something like this on your own parts, I would like to advance the notion that it is rude to ask your lady friend to get waxed.
Listen, I understand that you may have a preference for a certain pubic hairstyle. If you’ve seen any porn made during or after the 1980s, you’ve likely seen very little pubic hair. If you’ve seen any porn made this century, it is probable that you haven’t even seen a landing strip more than a handful of times. The fashion in latter-day pornography is for a lady to be entirely bare, and since many dudes grow up jacking it to hairless vulvas, it is perhaps understandable that they are unaccustomed to seeing a partial or full bush.
Let me be clear: I’m not saying you are a bad guy for preferring a particular look! What I’m saying is that unless the lady specifically offers to wax her parts in the specific way that gets your wang tingly, it is impolite to make a request that she engage in waxing.
The reasons for this are numerous, but the biggest one is that holy shit, does waxing hurt. The asshole isn’t even the worst part! It’s the front part. Oh, dear God, the front part. And some waxers are intent on perfection, as they should be, so they’ll get really precise and tweeze any strays, and do you know what that feels like, to have a woman going over your private and most sensitive parts with a pair of tweezers? Have you ever tried to sit down after your sitting-down bits have been tormented with hot molten liquid and then forcibly denuded of their natural forest?
But I digress.
This is a publication for gentlemen, and I would like to submit to you the idea that a gentleman respects a lady’s grooming decisions. If she wants to cut the hair on her head, your job as a gentleman is to smile and nod and say, “Wow, you look great, babe.” If she wants to wax or trim or shave or shape the hair on her undercarriage, your job as a gentleman is to say, “Whatever you want, honey, I love it down there no matter what!” She may blush and giggle, but she will appreciate your sentiment. And then, if she goes ahead and waxes it to high heaven, that’s fine! That is her choice. Trust me when I tell you that the inside of her vaginal canal is going to feel the same regardless of whether she is shorn on the outside or not.
As for my personal grooming situation, I have a magical, enlightened vagina that, like a precious treasure in the depths of a lush jungle, is concealed within a full bush. Why? Because I’m lazy, I hate unnecessary pain, and I’m so hot that I could be covered in hair from my tits to my toes and dudes would still wanna hit it. I didn’t ask to be born this attractive. It’s just what happened.
In conclusion: never ask a ladyfriend to deviate from her preferred form of pube maintenance. She may actually like the bare look, or the landing strip, or a star-shaped situation, or a vajazzled beav, or a punk rock dyed-green vaghawk, or something else I haven’t imagined yet. That’s great. It is her flower. It is her property. It is her choice. Surely you can survive a bit of hair down there. If not, what is wrong with you? It is time for therapy, about pubic hair and also about a woman’s right to determine her own future.
Thank you for your time.
Now go trim your pubes. Seriously, bro, it’s just respectful.
Sara Benincasa is a comedian and the author of Great and Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom. She tweets @sarajbenincasa and is currently on tour: dates are at SaraBenincasa.com/shows.