Public transportation. It’s cheaper than driving your own car, better for the environment, and in a lot of cases faster. But its downfall comes from the unfortunate reality of having to put yourself in close contact with other human beings. As a professional avoider of all human contact, I have dedicated my life to developing these safe and effective techniques for making your next trip on public transportation as close to human-free as possible.
Politely explain to anyone attempting to sit next to you that you may need the seat next to you to give birth to a baby on.
Completely cover both of your eyes with Band-Aids.
Hold scissors and ask any approaching passengers if they would like to “trade hair.”
Politely inform anyone trying to sit in the seat next to you that you were just about to scatter your mother’s ashes onto the floor under that seat.
Be on fire just a tiny bit. Even the smallest amount of being on fire will turn away the biggest, toughest bus passenger.
When someone sits next to you, turn toward them, make eye contact, open your mouth wide as if you are about to speak, then just keep looking at them like that until they move on to find another seat.
Start rolling a big fat blunt of dead moths and ask any approaching riders, “You smoke?”
When someone begins taking the seat next to you, hand them one end of a hose and ask, “Hey, could you run this into the bathroom for me?”
Keep your laptop screen easily visible displaying the results of a YouTube search for “pig castration tips.”
When a passenger looking for a seat approaches, show them a carton of eggs and ask, “Wanna buy one? I laid them myself.”
As soon as you take your seat, begin furiously knitting a sweater so intensely that the needles haphazardly puncture your flesh and punch holes into the seats around you.
When some guy starts sitting down next to you, whisper to him, “How good are you at injecting stuff into people’s spines?” and hand him 10 syringes.
Cradle what appears to be an infant wrapped in blankets in your arms, whisper to it gently, but as passengers approach, reveal that it is actually a fully grown man.
Offer to any approaching bus commuter, “Can I practice some dentist stuff on you? I’m thinking of going to school to become a teeth dentist.”
As a last resort only: tilt your head back and erupt like a volcano, flooding the bus with molten lava and killing everyone on it, including yourself.
Jacy is a comedy writer based in Wisconsin. Follow @ieatanddrink on Twitter.