Sick of those uncomfortable and mundane visits to the doctor? Use these 15 tips to spice up your next trip to Dr. Anderson. (I just blew .05% of your minds by guessing that.)
Never leave your childhood physician.
Go in for a high five when the doctor asks if you’re sexually active.
Dress up your manhood. Adding googly eyes or even tiny party hat to your love hammer will make awkward Hernia checks a thing of the past.
If your physician asks you to rate your pain on a scale of one to ten, ask him if he can use another scale. Suggest an oddly specific one such as from being head-butted by a goat to being suplexed by a gang of goats.
Remember, always incorporate a story that makes you seem like you were doing something cool at the time that you got sick or hurt. Start off the story with a bar fight, daredevil stunt, or sex scene, then finish off with how you really broke your itty bitty finger nail.
Bring some small toys or a goldfish. When it’s time to hand in your urine sample, toss a couple items into the cup. When your doctor looks at you confusedly, chuckle to yourself and tell him, “it was one crazy weekend.”
When the physician walks in with the test results worriedly ask, “Is It bad doc?” During his explanation of your illness clarify that you were merely interested in his review of Stephen King’s classic made-for-tv film.
Bring an apple with you and pretend like you believe it is kryptonite to the doctor.
As the air is let out of your blood pressure test act as if your entire body is deflating.
Ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough for sex. Now ask him if you’re healthy enough for sex with his daughter.
Impress the nurses by making sure your wallet is filled to the brim with bills, perhaps even a small weight. After your first weigh-in, tell her to hold on a sec, exaggeratedly remove your wallet from your pocket and let it fall with a thud. (She’ll be so hot and bothered that how overweight you are really won’t matter.)
Ask again if your doctor thinks you are healthy enough for sex, this time while flexing and maintaining intense eye contact.
When asked if you’re a drinker or a smoker promptly answer yes then mischievously/childishly whisper while cupping your mouth, “don’t tell my mom.”
Explicitly state that you ARE allergic to all medicine besides painkillers, medicinal mary jane/granny’s panties/marijuana and those sweet Flintstones vitamins we all had as kids. Insist on a Flintstones vitamins prescription.
End the visit by bringing back the apple, holding it out in front of you and shaking your hand furiously directly at the doctor. You should be able to sense him growing weaker.
Stephen is a writer based out of San Diego. Follow him on Twitter: @thynebear