Wolverine seems to be, by all traditional methods, invincible. He’s older than that magic trick where you bend one of your thumbs over and then move your other one up and down to make it look like you’re pulling it off. He’s been attacked in just about every way possible that would kill almost any other mutant or human, and yet he’s still alive. So how do you kill Wolverine? Here are ten ways theories that could possibly bring the sideburn-toting hero to his demise just in time for the Death of Wolverine four-issue mini series that started in September.
1. “What’s In The Box??”
Wolverine has the power to heal, but he can’t heal if there aren’t body parts around to mend. If you tied him down and cut his head off, he couldn’t recover. Yes, I know his spine is made out of the same metal alloy as the rest of his bones, but there has to be spots where it connects or he’d walk around like one of those Nutcracker figures your aunt puts out at Christmas. If you wanted to really make sure he was dead, you could cut each limb off his body and send each one to a different corner of the world. Unless they put his head in a setup like Krang from the Ninja Turtles, he’s not surviving.
2. Clooney in Gravity
Put Wolverine in a spaceship, fly out to space, and shove him out into infinite nothingness. Even if he uses his healing powers to continually repair himself, what’s the point? He’s floating off deep into space where no one could locate or rescue him. Eventually he would have to die and even if he didn’t, he would be gone forever.
3. This is How Theatrical Wolverine Will Eventually Die
If I had to guess how the Hugh Jackman version of Wolverine will be killed off, if that ever happens, this is how it would happen; at the hands of Lazaer. In the comics, every time Wolverine is on the verge of death, he has to battle against Lazaer in order to come back to life. Lazaer has a large sword and, during their battles, Wolverine appears to be completely vulnerable. If the films ever introduce him, there’s a good chance you’re about to see the end of Wolverine.
4. The Inside Job
This has nothing to do with conspiracy theories, but rather blowing up Wolverine from the inside. Apocalypse is a foe that could, hypothetically destroy Wolverine. It’s not because of his super strength or virtually invincibility, but rather his ability to restructure himself on a bio-molecular level. He could shrink down and go inside of Wolverine’s body (in a non-sexual way preferably) then, once inside, expand back out to full form. Wolverine would be blown to bits.
5. Super Magnets
We’ve seen Magneto use his powers to manipulate Wolverine, but what if you put Wolverine on a magnetic wall with separate, ridiculously strong magnets for each part of his body. Once he was stuck to the wall, the magnets separate, thus tearing his body into pieces. Then you could seal the room forever so his body could never reconnect because each magnet would prevent them from moving. So long, Wolverine.
6. The Failsafe
According to Marvel Wikia, Professor Xavier came up with a collection of ways to kill each individual mutant, just in case they became a threat to the world. These plans are called the Xavier Protocols. Obviously Professor Xavier wouldn’t just casually use these, but if there is a definitive way to end Wolverine, you can believe it lies within the Xavier Protocols since he has access to the deepest parts of their minds.
7. The Most Immature Theory You’ve Ever Heard
Since Cyclops and Wolverine have had their fair share of disagreements, Cyclops could walk in on Wolverine getting a colonoscopy and take his protective glasses off while looking into Wolverine’s butthole. If this actually happened in a comic or movie, it would be the greatest thing to happen in the history of the world. Please let this be the way Wolverine goes out.
8. Let Him Get Married
If he got married, he would be dead within the next six issues. Haha am I right, married guys? Am I right? Hello? Anyone?
9. Make Him Watch X-Men: The Last Stand
All the other X-Men movies have been fantastic, but if you strapped him down and forced him to watch the Brett Ratner train wreck that was so bad, Bryan Singer completely ignored it in the next movies, he would eventually just kill himself. The only reason this wouldn’t work is because most would consider it too cruel to inflict on even your worst enemy. Still, it may be the most surefire way to make sure Wolverine is dead.
Rob is a writer and comedian based in Louisville, KY. Follow @robfee on Twitter.