As we all know, M. Night Shyamalan is the greatest director who ever lived. His films have involved superheroes, ghosts, the devil, villages, things happening, and Bruce Willis. But what if this maverick filmmaker had directed some of the most popular movies of all time? Why they’d be 10x more awesome of course. Let’s take a look at what could have been had been…
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN’S CHEEKY BOY HAS NO FRIENDS
Kevin McAllister (played by Bruce Willis) is a happy-go-lucky young boy who lives in a huge house (which is haunted) with his 46 brothers and sisters, his parents and a Cyclops named Gerard. It is Halloween and the McAllisters are going to spend the night in a volcano to honor Satan. They drive to the volcano in a huge roller blade, but they’ve forgotten one thing… Kevin! When Kevin realizes he’s been left home alone his legs fall off, but they instantly grow back because he is half lizard. When Kevin’s mom figures that they forgot him she screams “KEVINNNN” so loud that a gang of criminals who live near Kevin hear her and decide to murder him so they can steal the famous McAllister gold, which is located deep in a cave beneath Kevin’s parents’ sex dungeon.
The gang of criminals arrive at Kevin’s house 15 minutes later inside a big cake. The cake rings the bell somehow and Kevin answers the door, although he has “a sixth sense” for crime and instantly realizes that the cake wants to murder him. He hits the cake with a katana and it explodes.
10 minutes later the criminals come back as zombies but Kevin has set up all manner of traps. The leader of the criminals gets attacked by a racist pelican while the others get killed by being set on fire and eaten by Subway Jared.
Kevin’s mom acquires a jetpack in order to rescue Kevin but she doesn’t know how to use it and flies into the sun.
Back at the McAllister mansion, Kevin is fist pumping on the roof as he has defeated all of his enemies, but then…the twist… Kevin removes his mask revealing he was a volcano all along…the very same volcano that his family is inside. The credits roll as Kevin freestyle raps about concrete.
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN’S INTERGALACTIC EXCITEMENT SAGA
Luke Skywalker (played by Bruce Willis) is a pizza delivery boy who lives in Chicago. One day he sees a snowman having a heart attack and as he attempts to save him, the snowman opens his mouth and an anti-gravity spider jumps out! It was a trap! The spider sinks his glistening white teeth into Luke’s tender neck and he slowly floats into the sky. He floats for 16 years, surviving by eating comets and sucking the juice from space cacti.
Eventually, just as space is running out of comets for Luke to feast upon, a gigantic spaceship passes by and sucks him into a little hole. When Luke’s eyes adjust to his surroundings, he sees a beautiful woman. She introduces herself as Princess Leia, a princess, called Leia. Luke introduces himself, and takes of his shirt, revealing his chiseled physique, gained from years of eating protein rich comets.
Leia is super impressed and they have sex. She immediately gives birth to a fully grown adult called Darth Vader, but TWIST!! Darth Vader reveals himself to be Luke’s father! But Luke hits back and reveals that he is R2D2’s father! Everyone is super puzzled because R2D2 hasn’t featured in the movie yet, but moments later R2D2 enters the room wearing nothing but a thong, his metallic buttocks wiggling seductively as Darth Vader does the Gangnam Style dance on the ceiling.
Just as you think the movie is over BAM! Darth Vader reveals that he is in fact 36 iPhones glued to a camel. All the iphones have a glitched version of Angry Birds which causes everyone in the room to turn into greasy piles of human hair.
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN PRESENTS FRODDO’S BIG ADVENTURE
(Lord Of The Rings)
Froddo (Played by Bruce Willis) is a hobbit, a tiny whimsical being who lives with all his friends in the shire. (To create the illusion of smallness, Bruce Willis walks around on his knees with shoes attached to them.)
One day Gandalf the Wizard returns from wizard spring break with a magical dishwasher. Gandalf demonstrates the dishwasher at a special party thrown for Kevin the angry goblin, who just got out of jail for three gang related murders. To the amazement of everyone in the shire, the magic dishwasher not only cleans the plates, but every time it is opened, hundreds of crocodiles pour out, eating everybody in the immediate vicinity. Gandalf shows Froddo an inscription on the back of the dishwasher which reads “ONLY A BAGGINS CAN DESTROY CLAUDE THE EVIL DISHWASHER” Gandalf assembles the Fellowship of the dishwasher to accompany Froddo to Mount Boons, two giant volcanoes wearing a colossal bra made of clouds. Along the way they encounter dragons, orcs, penguins and a forest of horny spoons.
Toward the middle of the movie, Carl Gollum, an investment banker from Atlanta, becomes obsessed with the dishwasher as he wants the infinite crocodiles within to make into fashionable shoes. He follows Froddo all the way to Mount Boons, offering him more and more shares in his company as he slowly loses his mind.
The climax of the movie features an epic fight atop Mount Boons between Froddo and Carl Gollum. Just as it seems Froddo has lost, he notices Mount boons resembles a large pair of breasts, and he uses his erection to poke the dishwasher into the fiery pits below. Carl jumps in after it and we see him calmly putting knives and forks into it as they disappear into the abyss.
TWIST ALERT! As Froddo turns from the pit and begins walking home, the ghost of Michael Jackson appears and challenges him to an arm wrestling match. Froddo easily wins but finds his hand fused to Michael’s. Slowly Michael Jackson absorbs our heroic hobbit and the last shot is of Froddo trapped inside Michael Jackson’s ribcage, screaming and reluctantly moonwalking for all eternity.
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN’S THE HEROIC SPOOKY JUSTICE MEN
The Heroic Spooky Justice Mans (or “The Heroic Spooky Justice Mans” for short) are a four person team of ghost hunters, Egon, Peter, Raymond and Winston (Using CGI, all are played by Bruce Willis with different hairstyles/mustaches.)
It’s New Year’s Eve in New York and the Heroic Spooky Justice Mans are all nude in a hot tub talking about ghosts while giving each other back rubs. They agree that ghosts are scary as heck but it’s their duty to hunt them because it gets them hella babes. Peter has an extremely horny look in his eyes and his hands both disappear below the water.
Just then they notice a 5th person is in the hot tub with them. It’s the ghost of Frank Sinatra. He sings a medley of his greatest hits while the Heroic Spooky Justice Mans dance around and splash each other playfully. Afterwards he delivers a message. New York City will be destroyed at midnight by the Reece’s Pieces Beast, A 200ft tall peanut butter treat with a thirst for blood. The boys race to the Spookymobile and jump in, still nude. They see a shape in the distance… the shape of a Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup. They gasp as it approaches the statue of liberty and choke slams it into the ocean, causing a small tidal wave that knocks over a hotdog cart. “That’s where my uncle buys his hotdogs” growls Egon as a huge pair of wings sprout from his back and he flies toward the huge terror beast. The other Heroic Spooky Justice Mans hold on to his feet and within seconds they’re all ready to do battle with their delicious but deadly foe.
An epic 40 minute fight takes place on Liberty Island. However, just as it seems our heroes have been beaten, Snoop Dogg falls from the sky with a hair dryer and melts the Reece’s Pieces Beast. Snoop then strips down to his underwear and performs an impromptu rap concert whilst rolling around seductively in all the melted peanut butter, but then TWIST!!!! as Snoop Dogg finishes the concert, a morbidly obese doctor rises out of the melted chocolate and informs him that he has a severe nut allergy. Snoop looks at the camera with a worried look on his face. He says “aw shiiiiiit” then explodes.
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