People pay good money every day to have some therapist tell them that their dad is bad. Why spend your sweet cash when everything you need to know about yourself is contained right here in this article?
We used a bunch of computers to do science and the results are in: What SNL movie you like says a lot about who you are.
You are a dad who thinks he is a cool dad. You are not a cool dad. Your jeans fit weird and you wear white running shoes. You played in a band. It was a bad band. You have done cocaine one-and-a-half times. Your belly is hard from beer and sausage. You have an excellent cassette tape collection. You call weed “grass” and rolling papers “doobie blankets”
Strengths: Extensive knowledge of April Wine, good moustache genes.
Weaknesses: Cargo pants/shorts, susceptible to football movie tears.
Relationship Advice: Best case scenario is you overhear your stepson saying “hey, don’t make fun of Rick, he’s been really good to my mom these last few years.”
Career Recommendations: Janitor, night janitor.
WAYNE’S WORLD 2
Something terrible has happened to you and there is no cure. You are a danger to yourself and others. Lock yourself up like a responsible werewolf.
Strengths: You have no emotions and therefore are the perfect soldier.
Weaknesses: Logical paradoxes can short-circuit your entire system.
Relationship Advice: All who have touched you are unclean and must be cleansed from the earth.
Career Recommendations: King’s food tester, predator bait.
A NIGHT AT THE ROXBURY
You are the worst friend in your group of friends. Everyone talks about you behind your back and they do all sorts of fun stuff and deliberately don’t invite you. They noticed that you always wear the same pants. You can switch the belt all you want but everyone knows you only own one pair of pants. They call you Pants. They all have you under “Pants” in their phones.
Strengths: You are a light packer.
Weaknesses: You cannot do any activities that might jeopardize the cleanliness of your pants.
Relationship Advice: Marry a pant maker or a seamstress.
Career Recommendations: Disney mascot or the guy in the suit who gets bit by police dogs to train them.
The Blues Brothers
You are either a terrible hipster or someone who is too old to be using the Internet and needs to get off RIGHT NOW. You own a pea coat and refer to it as such. You consider digital photography “phony” and smoke black cigarettes from France. Your dog knows about all the lies you tell.
Strengths: Extensive knowledge of bands that are bad.
Weaknesses: Too good to eat at Chili’s even though we are starving and it’s the only thing that is open in this airport.
Relationship Advice: Find someone who hates all the same things as you.
Career Recommendations: Office ruiner or barista.
Blues Brothers 2000
Honestly, what the fuck? This is worse than the Wayne’s World 2 thing. It’s making me feel weird just thinking about it. WHO HURT YOU?
Strengths: Ability to endure unspeakable horrors. Does not feel pain.
Weaknesses: How can you scare something that has no soul?
Relationship Advice: Become a Vampire or Eva Braun.
Career Recommendations: The person who kills the cows.
The Ladies Man
You are a 28-year-old white dude who eats too much cheese every year. You watched this with your friends during a sleepover when you were 13 and drank too much Dr. Pepper and puked that night.
Strengths: You come from money are therefore afforded many privileges.
Weaknesses: Any adversity.
Relationship Advice: Accept that you are either going to marry someone like your mother or no one at all.
Career Recommendations: Nothing sweaty, something that allows a lot of Facebook time.
You are the only one with any sense around here, congratulations, you get to be in the Illuminati.
Strengths: Excellent taste, shrewd eye, smart brain.
Weaknesses: You’re too sexy, people can be intimidated by you.
Relationship Advice: Keep having all those non-prostitute based threesomes.
Career Recommendations: Model or rely on the kindness of strangers.
You are a ghost and this is the only movie you saw before you died in that movie theater fire. It’s ok, I’m not going to tell your secret. I have some ghost friends who are cool.
Strengths: Uh I don’t know you can walk through walls and see people in the shower?
Weaknesses: M&M’s fall right through your ghost hands and you can’t box anyone.
Relationship Advice: Two words: Whoopi Goldberg
Career Recommendations: rider, writer, or dad.
Nathan is a writer based in Canada of all places. Follow him on Twitter right this second: @thenatewolf.