It’s convention time, or as it is being branded this election cycle, Trump’s Folly. So far, the event has been a few acrobats short of a bona fide traveling carnival, complete with occasional breakdowns and attendee heckling. The apocalypse has to be coming soon, right?
It remains to be seen. We’ll take a look at two of the worst events that can ever devastate a society from eight critical points, and determine once and for all which is the greater danger, the RNC or the Apocalypse. Whichever wins more points will devastate the world as we know it…unless of course, it ends up being both.
Instead of the cries of mortals and an infinite chorus of “O Fortuna!”, the last sound you hear at the RNC is Tiffany Trump’s electro-pop masterpiece “Like a Bird.”
POINT: The Republican National Convention. I can’t understand a word in this song, but I can’t help but respect the hell out of any teenager who takes advantage of her family’s riches to produce a Nellie Furtado knockoff track. I would have done the same thing, as would all of you.
The RNC isn’t over yet, but it’s safe to assume that they won’t stop ignoring some of the more pervasive issues of the past few months - police brutality, discrimination based on race, sexual orientation and gender, and gun control to name a few. Meanwhile the apocalypse doesn’t have a brain, only fury, and promises not to invoke the name of Reagan too many times while bringing the earth to a grinding halt.
POINT: The apocalypse doesn’t discriminate. The giant hole that will swallow us whole doesn’t see color, gender or sexual preference - we’re all going down.
MOST HAUNTING IMAGE
Sure, we don’t know what the apocalypse will look like quite yet, but there is no way, none, that it could be more haunting than this:
POINT: The RNC. I’m still shaking.
No matter how the world’s going down, we’d better be looking tight before we either get sucked into a hole in the ground or get caught in Trump’s elaborate, impossibly sticky hair trap. Say what you will, the Trumps know how to dress (looking at you, Ivanka and Melania), and that’s enough to excuse every ill-fitting Chris Christie or Kevin McCarthy suit that drags across the stage in Ohio this week.
POINT: The RNC - nothing like a designer label to distract from the fact that you’re preparing to take over the world.
It’s safe to assume that the world will have no choice but to show up to the last thing they’ll ever do, but GOP senators have been attempting to skip out on the RNC circus this week at unusually high rates this election cycle. What, do they not like Rudy Giuliani showing them how stretchy his face is?
POINT: The apocalypse. Attendance is mandatory.
If Melania Trump’s conveniently identical speech to First Lady Michelle Obama’s this past Monday is any indication, the RNC isn’t doing a killer job at generating original material. Hey, if you count the shoddy half-work behind most of Trump’s construction and academic endeavors, you could say the problem’s been going on a lot longer. Say what you will about the hellish pestilence that shall kill us all, but it’s a safe bet to say it’s not going to rip off one of the seven plagues or anything like that. I mean, how obvious.
POINT: The always innovating, completely devastating apocalypse.
ABILITY TO DESTROY A CASINO
Trump did it in the 1990s in one of the most spectacular financial failures money can buy in Atlantic City, and we can only assume that the apocalypse would happily swallow the state of New Jersey whole the first opportunity it gets. Which is more spectacular to behold? I truly cannot make the call.
POINT: It’s a tie, though let’s take a moment that Trump managed to bankrupt a casino in one of the gambling capitals of the world. Profoundly slick!
There’s no contest here - there are simply more celebrities who want a person who will cut their taxes in office than there are who think the world could end at any moment. Sure, there are plenty of B through Z listers who think the apocalypse is nigh, but they tend to not look as good in a suit.
POINT: The RNC. They got Scott Baio, most famous for his role as Chachi on Happy Days, and the night after his speech the show’s famed creator, Garry Marshall, passed away. Currently drafting a conspiracy theory.
With five points to the apocalypse’s four, the Republican National Convention has succeeded in shocking absolutely no one by being more likely to be the end of humanity.
It’s like I always say, “Together, we can help make sure that every family that walks into a restaurant can make an easy, healthy choice.” Wait, that was Michelle Obama. My bad.