It’s 2016, and some people are so rich they don’t know what to do with themselves. Fifty years ago we had no idea numbers could go as high as a million. Today there are more teenaged billionaires than stars in the night sky.
Gordon Gecko summed it up perfectly in the film Wall Street with his immortal line “I love money.” Our richest citizens agree, and as their bank accounts grow, our old currency is struggling to accommodate their needs. A $100,000 bill is the next logical step, and when it comes to whose face should be on it, there are only a few people who deserve consideration.
His name and jumpsuit should be enough in itself to earn him a place on some money, but he also jumped his motorcycle over buses and crashed a homemade rocket into a cliff to really seal the deal. Just like Abraham Lincoln, Evel broke most of the bones in his body over the course of his career, and, just like Lincoln, he deserves to be immortalized on some cash.
She may not be as powerful as she once was, but I think we can all agree that we’re still scared shitless of what Oprah could do if we got on her bad side. The United States used to make the whole world feel like that, but a few wars/financial meltdowns have taken a toll on the national psyche. Perhaps Oprah’s face on the $100,000 bill would remind everyone how it feels to be a badass.
These yellow idiots don’t have the same sex appeal as the politicians currently on currency, but there’s something about them that’s cute as hell. Kids lose their shit whenever they see one, and if we want to incentivize the next generation to claw their way to the top of the economic heap, this might not be the worst idea.
At 42 years old and close to 300lbs, pitching in the majors is nothing short of incredible for this egg-shaped beauty. With a level of resolve usually reserved for Wild West settlers, Bartolo embodies all the attributes that make America great: grit, tenacity, hard work, and sort of looking like the baby from the 1991 ABC sitcom Dinosaurs.
That dang rat knows what it wants, and it’s going to do whatever it takes to get it. Does that remind you of any countries that you might know? Hmmm? Just pretend that pizza is independence from England and the rat is George Washington and I think you’ll understand what I’m saying.
Honorable Mentions: Macho Man Randy Savage, Danny Devito’s Character “Frank” from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, A Lady In A Bikini And When You Turn It Upside Down The Bikini Disappears, Holographic Charizard.