Much like in 1863, when Abraham Lincoln first named Thanksgiving a national holiday, our country is again deeply divided. For many, this year’s family gathering is shaping up to be a sure-fire recipe for disaster. Still, it’s time for us to come together and celebrate all that we’re thankful for as we commemorate the day with a feast of food, surrounded by our family and friends.
How can you save your family dinner from the open hostility coming from your drunk uncle’s racist mouth? Or from your pro-life cousin who thinks Mike Pence is a hottie? Rather than stab them with a carving fork, we suggest winning the fight with words and a few key tactics. Remember: Your goal is no different than the Pilgrims’. Because ever since the First Thanksgiving, the day’s real theme has been survival, not survival. You just need to survive.
WHEN THEY GO LOW, YOU GET HIGH
Sometimes the best way to win an argument is to just walk away. Step outside and calm your mind by smoking or vaping away your tensions as you increase your compassion. And when you go back inside, the pie will taste amazing.
AGREE WITH THEM
A time-honored strategy of winning political arguments is to switch sides. If you get tired of hearing about “cuck libtards”, emails and Benghazi, switch sides and join their team. Then argue them into extreme positions. “I agree with you! We should deport everyone-especially those Canadians!” They’ll probably try to talk you back down to reason. If they miss their mark, they might wind up defending your original positions.
PLAN A MEDICAL EMERGENCY
This one is for the most severe shitstorm of holiday gatherings. When in doubt, fake a coronary event. Have a heart attack or a stroke or anything else that seems fatal. No one wants to argue with someone who’s dying in front of them. Well, at least most people won’t.
HOOK UP WITH SOMEONE
Rather than engage in arguments no one can possibly win, focus on getting naked as soon as you’re done with dinner. Plan a holiday hook-up with your ex from high school. Keep picturing that sweet, sweet, awkward car sex in an empty library parking lot while your brother-in-law says “You know, all lives matter.”
FORGET TRYPTOPHAN. GET YOUR HANDS ON MEDICAL-GRADE KETAMINE
This one’s tricky. See if you can get your hands on some high quality, medical grade ketamine. Your club-kid cousins call it Special K. It’s a powerful horse tranquilizer used by vets on large animals and it will work well on even your heaviest family members from the flyover states. Perhaps you can even season the stuffing with enough ketamine to put Aunt Sally’s new husband face-first in his mashed potatoes.
Alternate: You can always make a magic mushroom gravy and let things get trippy. One thing is certain: you won’t be arguing about politics when Grandma says she’s melting like the butter in her mashed potatoes.
ACTIVATE THE MEEK MILL STRATEGY
If you’re traveling with your significant other to celebrate Thanksgiving with his or her family, be sure to remember the beef. Specifically, the kind rappers Drake and Meek Mill had. Back when Meek kept taking L’s from Toronto’s favorite son, he showed us all a valuable life strategy: if you’ve got a dude talking loud while you got a partner like Nicki Minaj riding with you, you’re already winning. Just sit back and nod your head. You’re going home with Nicki no matter what.
ASK “WHICH LIVES MATTER?”
This one is guaranteed to silence all critics and sometimes that feels like winning. When you sit down at dinner, calmly place a loaded handgun on the table and remind your family that they live in a “Stand Your Ground” state. Then ask, “Whose lives matter, Grandpa?“
BRING UP VIAGRA AND WATCH ‘EM SQUIRM
Baby Boomers are loud mouths, but this one is guaranteed to make even those men pipe down. If the seniors get a little heated about politics, you can always change the subject by asking all the Baby Boomer men at the table if they prefer Viagra or Cialis—and then ask them to justify its legality versus birth control.
Alternate: Show up to dinner wearing a t-shirt that says: “Baby Boomers ruined everything and all I got was this stupid shirt!”
COME OUT TO YOUR FAMILY
Before dinner, tell your whole family that you’re a robosexual. Maybe go all the way and bring your sexbot to the table. That should definitely change the conversation, if not kill it outright. If anyone scoffs at your plans, raise your voice and point out that “if Cousin Becky can bring her meth-head boyfriend, why can’t I bring my sexbot to dinner? Is it because…she’s black?!” That should fully confuse your family and keep anyone from wanting to talk politics or about anything at all. Alternate: Come out as homosexual. That one seems to still do the trick in some parts.
BRING A NEW FRIEND
This one is a bit risky, but could be so rewarding. On your way to dinner, stop by a prison or jail. Pick up someone who was just released and bring them to your Thanksgiving. Obviously, the scarier the ex-con, the less likely Uncle Jeff is to give you any shit about Bernie Sanders. Just smile at your family as you ask, “More potatoes, Two-Gun Tony?”
WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS…
Bring up Piers Morgan. Everyone hates that guy.