You have to be so ballsy to kill something and then demand payment. That’s some Gyp Rosetti type of compartmentalization. It’s one thing to show up to your mobile provider and tell them your phone exploded “like, out of nowhere,” but it’s several flights up next levels to toss a corpse on the counter and be all, “You made me do this.”

To be fair, fish aren’t exactly healthy oxes of the sea. One Thanksgiving, when I was a kid, I gave my fish extra food because it was a holiday. Did you know that fish will eat until their bodies stop working? Because I did not. When Christmas rolled around, all I asked for was the universe’s forgiveness. I was a pretty emotional child.