There is no moment more confusing than when a friend or family member shows you the ultrasound of their baby. It doesn’t look like a baby. They’ll start pointing out blurs that are supposed to be fingers or ears or whatever. You just have to nod and say, “oh yeah! How great!” The 3D ultrasounds are even worse because they’re completely terrifying. I know it can be unsettling, but we’re here to help. Here are 12 things you should never say when someone shows you their ultrasound.
1. Oh look it’s Voldemort in a garbage bag!
Most parents would prefer for their child to not look like the Dark Lord. He’s aesthetically unpleasing and, generally, an overall bad individual. Plus, comparing the womb of the mother-to-be to a garbage bag never goes over very well. It’s a well-known fact that garbage bag wombs are a big fear for most pregnant women.
2. Are you, like, 100% certain he’s the dad?
I know it seems perfectly valid, but the couple will get quite upset at this question. We’re taught not to assume, but I guess this is one time when assuming will not make an @$$ out of you and me.
3. Looks great! Can I check and see how dilated you are?
My mom would always yell at me when I was young because I would ask her things that I could just check myself. “Hey mom, do we have any chocolate milk?” She would yell, “Why don’t you just go look for yourself!” I guess this style of living stops when you become an adult because very few pregnant women will let you check.
4. Are you going to keep it?
From what I’ve gathered on TV shows like ‘Girls’, the first thing you should do when you find out a friend is pregnant is freak out and ask them if they’re going to have an abortion. I guess those shows aren’t as realistic as they thought, because every baby shower I’ve attended has been ruined by this question. Thanks a lot, Lena Dunham.
5. Are you excited he looks like Squidward in an Ikea lampshade?
Again, try to avoid comparing the unborn child to any cartoon character, especially one that is generally disliked and is also a squid. The Ikea can cause some friction because they’re cheap. You may be able to get away with a Pier One or Anthropology lampshade, but it’s really not worth taking the chance.
6. So your baby has seriously never seen The Wire?
It doesn’t make sense to me either, but most babies come into the world with no knowledge whatsoever of the hit HBO show The Wire. I understand a baby not being able to walk or talk, but seriously, it’s one of the greatest shows of all time. Get your priorities together, parents.
7. Cool ultrasound! How’s this pregnancy doin’ for your titties?
There is nothing more beautiful than a pregnant woman. Her skin glows, her hair shines, and, of course, her knockers get ginormous. You’re free to compliment her skin and hair, but as soon as you jiggle her boobs and say something sweet like, “wow them titties be makin’ me thirsty” she freaks out. I guess I just don’t get it when it comes to body changes during pregnancy.
This is always a swing and a miss. Trust me.
9. You know there are websites that pay a ton of money for these things.
Maybe I’m just more financially aware than most of my friends, but why not at least explore options to help pay off your home in exchange for something you’ve never even met? You don’t HAVE to do it, but at least look at the brochure.
10. Think she’ll want to go to spring break with me in 18 years?
I thought asking if I could take their daughter to Miami for spring break in 18 years was a compliment. That means that we are such good friends, I’m confident we’ll still be close in nearly two decades. Maybe it was the screening of Spring Breakers I showed as an example, or maybe I was more invested in the friendship than them, but either way, it ended badly.
11. Are you sure this isn’t a map of Bosnia?
If you haven’t had an ultrasound explained to you, it looks quite similar to a map of Bosnia. Is there really that much harm in double-checking? They’d be humiliated if they were showing everyone what they thought was their beautiful baby and it was actually a map of Bosnia.
12. I don’t care.
Let’s be honest; no one wants to see that ultrasound or understand what it means. We could be a good friend and practice honesty, or lie and pretend to be interested. It looks like honesty isn’t so important to them after all. So sad.
Rob is a writer and comedian based in Louisville, KY. Follow @robfee on Twitter.