If you ever brought your lunch to school as a kid you realize now that it was a gamble. Sometimes your mom would hit a homerun and fill it with delicious snacks for you to eat or trade, but other times you were just going to be really hungry come art class. Here are 13 of the worst things you could find in your lunchbox as a kid. I apologize in advance for digging up these dark memories.
1. Non-Pizza Lunchable
When you opened that bag and saw the Lunchable logo, you were stoked. You fantasized about making that tiny cracker pizza and loading all the cheese onto one delicious bite. But then something terrible happened; it turned out to be turkey. TURKEY!? I can’t customize a turkey. Your lunch was ruined and you hated every moment of it.
2. An Apple
I never ate the apple you put in my lunch. Not one single time did I even take the sticker off. That apple suffered one of two fates: Either I dropped it on the floor or I threw it at Danny. Next time, save that space and weight for something that doesn’t have a core. One kid at school ate his apple every day and I’m pretty sure he grew up to be a serial killer.
3. Trail Mix
Come on. When was the last time you bought a bag of trail mix and actually ate it? Everyone just picks out the M&Ms and maybe a few of the nuts and that’s it. Just skip a step and give me a bag of peanut M&Ms.
4. Granola Bar
Do you know what you can trade a granola bar for on the playground? A punch in the face. Plus it’s a fiber bar so now everyone knows you have problems pooping on a regular, consistent basis.
I’m not against healthy food, but do you know what a bag of lettuce looks like after sitting in a backpack all day? It looks like Swamp Thing’s dick, that’s what. And who would want to eat that?
Oh great, now you’ll smell like a Long John Silver’s dumpster for the rest of the day.
7. V8 Juice
Maybe I’m just scarred by V8 because in the second grade this kid named Steven was drinking a giant bottle of it and vomited it up all over the table, ruining my Hakeem Olajuwon jacket but can you just drink a different juice that isn’t used to make a Bloody Mary?
8. Soup in a Thermos
Soup in a thermos is perfect if you wanted to feel like a vagrant traveling from town to town in boxcars and eating over an open propane tank. Soup? Get out of here with soup.
9. Any sort of beans
For a kid, farting in class is the equivalent of TMZ getting a hold of a video of you yelling a racial slur at a minority. It’s going to haunt you for years to come. Why would you provide ammunition for that by giving your kid the most gas-inducing food imaginable? There’s a song about it, for crying out loud.
10. The Same Thing Two Days in a Row
The only exception to this is pizza, because you can choose to eat it or trade it for anything else in the cafeteria. Pizza is lunchroom gold. But if you double down on anything else you’re just showing your laziness and I’m probably calling social services.
11. An Uncut Sandwich
If you’re a little kid, you have no idea how to properly cut a sandwich. If you attempt to remove the crust, you’re just going to make a giant mess and probably ruin everything. Plus, you can’t just bite into a whole sandwich like some sort of prison inmate. You need that thing cut in half, so you can properly enjoy it. If your mom did this, she definitely loved you; probably more than your brother, to be honest.
12. A Large Note
If your mom or dad put a nice little note that only you’d see in your lunch, it can be both uplifting and empowering. If your parents put a giant note in there that said “Enjoy your lunch, pal. Don’t let that bully Jason Wilson take it from you!” you know what’s going to happen? Jason Wilson is going to see it, take the note, and beat the crap out of you.
Oh cool, looks like mom forgot to pack my lunch. I guess I’ll just see if the lunch lady will give me some lemon wedges or I’ll just chew on my friend’s Fruit Rollup wrapper. This is the worst day of my life.
Rob is a writer and comedian based in Louisville, KY. Follow @robfee on Twitter.