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10 Things I Would Do if I Was Immortal

sponsored by self/less
© Roger Ressmeyer / CORBIS

© Roger Ressmeyer / CORBIS

The idea of extending human life indefinitely is something scientists and futurists are taking seriously thanks to recent and coming technological and medical breakthroughs. The question left unanswered: what will we do with everlasting life should we achieve it? This is what I would do.

1. TEACH MY GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT GRANDCHILDREN ABOUT THEIR ANCESTORS, LIFE
An infinite amount of time equals a vast storehouse of knowledge. An immortal life means you don’t learn history, you experience it as it’s happening, always. And while our parents teach what we know – how to treat others, how to deal with stress – our immortal great grandparents could teach us everything there is to be known about our families and about life. Imagine the insights. Imagine telling a grandchild from year 4,000 they exist because of Tinder.

2. LEARN EVERY LANGUAGE
I took four months of Spanish in college, and all I learned how to say was, “Where is the library?” Needless to say, I never found the time to perfect the language. As an immortal I would use my extra time (tiempo?) to travel the world (mundo?) and ask the people of every nation: “Hey, where’s the library?” OK, I’d plan to have some deeper conversations than that, but finding the library’s a start.

3. RUN FOR PRESIDENT EVERY FOUR YEARS FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY (OR UNTIL DEMOCRACY NO LONGER EXISTS)
An infinite well of insights, an unmatched knowledge of the political arc and a historical understanding beyond anyone else’s comprehension. How could you not become the leader of the free world?

Imagining my stump speech: “Much like John McCain, I have been alive for hundreds of years. I’ve seen it all. I know everything about everything. Honestly, it’s a little hurtful I haven’t won yet.”

4. BREAK EVERY WORLD RECORD
I’ve never learned how to solve a Rubik’s Cube because I tell myself, “It’s not worth it. Spend your time doing something more worthwhile.” Well, if time is off the table I’m picking up that multi-colored cube and I’m finishing it. Not only that – I’m finishing it in 1.5 seconds.

Then I’d move on: Put a thousand clothespins on my face? Done. Open 32,000 coconuts with my bare hands? Sure, why not. Dress like a penguin for six months? Way ahead of you, pal. I want all the records.

5. GET A PhD IN EVERY FIELD
It’s safe to assume job security will always fluctuate. One century you might find success as an IT guy, and the next century computers are obsolete, and you’re stuck back on the interview circuit. Getting a PhD in every field ensures that you have an impressive resume that can weather any economy or century.

6. INVENT A SPORT ONLY I CAN WIN
While immortality can lend itself to gaining valuable insights and using them to improve the world, it can also lend itself to dominating mortals at sports.

For example: If you get the ball through the round hoop, two points! If you miss, you have to wait 70,000 years to try again. You shoot first, LeBron.

7. BECOME A CITIZEN IN EVERY COUNTRY
A lifetime spent at home doesn’t make much sense. You’ll want to travel – you’ll need to travel – in order to combat stagnation. And if you’re already en route to learning every language, why not make it official and see every country in the world? (If space colonies are established, maybe you could someday become a Martian. Hey, could be a nice tax break in it for you.)

8. BALL SO HARD
Fast cars, speed boats, women, jet skis, jet packs, sports, nightclubs – basically everything Ryan Reynolds does in the movie Self/less. Except, you know, without all the eventual guilt and repercussions.

9. GET MORE RIPPED THAN ANY BRO HAS EVER BEEN RIPPED
Everyone has an excuse for not going to the gym, My go-to is, “No time.” With that convenient excuse thrown right out the window, I’d finally hit the treadmill, start lifting weights and eat well. Just because you’re immortal doesn’t mean you’re healthy. A thousand years with love handles is no way to live.

10. #IMMORTALBRAG: ACT LIKE RARE ASTRONOMICAL EVENTS AREN’T A BIG DEAL
Eclipses, comets, meteor showers - they don’t come by too often, so when they do, we savor them. We take pictures and post them to social media, proudly proclaiming to friends and family, “I was there. I saw it.” But what if you saw every eclipse? What if a rare, universal phenomenon suddenly became passé?

Meh, the last solar eclipse was way better in my opinion. Yawn. Hopefully the one in 3042 isn’t as booooring.

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