Twitter Facebook Instagram Google+ Tumblr YouTube E-Mail WhatsApp Sign In Check Close snapchat
Search
Exit Clear
Just The Tips Just The Tips

Your Dating Profile Sucks, Bro

Your Dating Profile Sucks, Bro:

It has become apparent to me that if I’m going to write about sex and relationships for Playboy, I should start having more sex and do my best to avoid relationships. I’ve never joined Tinder because it just sounded gross. A friend suggested I sign up for Bumble because the women initiate the chat. This level of control appealed to me. I set up my profile and was off and Bumblin’.

01 bumble

The first thing that struck me was the speed of the decision and the finality of the swipe. I felt like a queen. Do I spare him? Or send him to the gallows? These micro-decisions are all based on four to six pictures, an age and a bio that isn’t more than 300 characters. You basically have four seconds to make an impression, and that’s only if I decide to look past your first picture; otherwise you have one second.

I started noticing patterns, trends and things that turned me off instantly. Before you get all “stop with the male-bashing, woman”—I can’t see the women’s profiles, but I know for a fact there are annoying things all the women do as well. For example, I am sure all us women love to travel and if we have been to Phuket you will find photographic proof of such in our profiles, and that’s probably just one small example. I’m just trying to help you, the reader, the manly man, see things from through the eyes of a woman. Think of me as your Bumble spirit guide.


THE PROFILE

I set my age range from 18-60 just to explore the gamut. (I also wanted to see that if, at 37, I could still match with a 24-year-old. Turns out I still got it.) The Millennials have the distinct advantage here. As the first generation that was raised online, you have far more photographs to choose from when creating a profile. You guys have been creating profiles since you were pre-teens, and it shows. You’re savvy about what grabs attention and keeps it.

On the other hand, from age 35 and up, I saw varying degrees of profile ability such as the players who have been in the game a while and also the sad older men who just look desperate. Some of the profiles actually gave me the same feeling in my heart I get when I visit a nursing home.

The best profiles lead with a “headshot” – just one of your adorable face. They’re followed by something silly. Another one of you just being you. You having an adventure. You with the homies. BOOM.


YOUR OPENING PIC IS EVERYTHING

Don’t lead with a selfie. There is something so sad about a man taking a selfie. Try to avoid using these pics at all, and if you have to, limit it to one. Especially selfies in the mirror. Those are the worst.

02 bumble

Don’t post pics of yourself on the phone. I get it. You’re a very important businessman taking important business calls about business. That’s the female equivalent of chicks in the car (she’s goin’ places, folks!) If you are posting pics of yourself on the phone—that makes me think you’re probably going to be staring at that thing the whole time we’re together.

03 bumble

Duck-face on a man is strictly forbidden. NO. Just no.

04 bumble

Elephants are the new tigers. I get it. You travel. I’ve been on Bumble for less than 24 hours, and I’ve seen over 150 elephants.

05 bumble

No pics of you with celebs. Stop. Just stop. You’re trying too hard.

Stop using kids and dogs as props to get laid. Unless you have a kid or a dog, don’t post a pic of you with a kid or a dog. I know you think this screams, “Look! Kids and dogs love me!” If you think you holding a kid will tug on our ovaries WE SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU.

06 bumble

Does your grandma know she’s your wingman on a dating app? Leave her out of this. Good guys don’t use pics of their grandmas to get pussy.

07 bumble

No selfies in random-ass places. If the best you can do is a selfie of you in a grocery store then how can I trust you to select an adequate location for our first date?

08 bumble

No OR room selfies. I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO SAY THIS. If you’re posting a selfie from the operating room you work at—I’m not impressed—I question your integrity as a doctor.

09 bumble

I can’t believe it’s 2016 and gym selfies are still a thing. This is the dating app equivalent of a dick pic.

10 bumble

No pics screaming “I recently went through a break-up!!!” How do I know? The three pictures of you where the same blond has clearly been cropped.

11 bumble

No

12 bumble

NO

13 bumble

NO.

14 bumble

NO!

15 bumble

Oh you’re a DJ? Swipes left.


PROFESSION & BIO

Wit and authenticity are king.

Don’t be lame. Be witty but don’t try too hard. In the first 24 hours I’ve seen: “Invented dice,” “Invented spoons” and “Invented receipts.” These kinds of bios have me like:

Be original. This is a good example of a simple, witty, interesting bio. I want to know this person. “We all know that Jon Snow is still alive. If you like Seinfeld, pretending to know how to taste wine and hate clubs then let’s hang.”

Don’t be coy. One guy wrote “plumber” followed with a pic of him in a vineyard, with a sushi chef and in Aspen. Translation: you’re a trust fund baby with butter hands.

This isn’t a wrestling weigh-in. I do want to know your height. I don’t want to know your weight. This is a guy thing.

Don’t use emojis in your bio. What are you? A 13-year-old girl? Also unacceptable: emoji riddles. I don’t have time to figure out what the fuck two bees and a Greek flag means.

Don’t be generic. “Attitude is everything. Live your life like you mean it. Easy going guy looking for an attractive, intelligent woman.” Puke. You’re the living embodiment of a Hang In There, Kitty poster.

You.

You.

Don’t be pretentious. Stay away from lists. Lists of degrees. Lists of cities you’ve lived in. Leading with a list means the source of your identity is that list and that you’re probably a superficial douchebag or status-obsessed Ivy Leaguer.

Jo’Burg>Cincy>Nashville>Sydney>LA>SF>NYC>London>Tokyo>Hong Kong>Dubai>Miami>Mordor

You write “thrill seeking adventurist,” and I read “I’m a player, and I will give you HPV.” Fact.

Be aware of the image you’re projecting. “Dog lover. Art Collector. Philanthropist.” = $$$$ Bags. Don’t be shocked when you connect with women who “Love designer handbags, great wine and traveling.”

Be real. Oh, you’re 23 and you’re an “entrepreneur”? This means, “I graduated from college and think I’m too good to work at Starbucks, so I live at home and my parents pay for me until I figure out what I want to do.” But, hey, nice dog. I bet your parents pay for that, too.

Do keep it positive. “NO RATCHETS”? Ew. It’s ratchet of you to even say that.

Make an effort. Don’t just direct me to your Instagram in your bio. We all know how I feel about grown men on Instagram.


RED FLAGS

Drinking. Talking about drinking more than once in your bio or a pic where drinking is featured more than your face tells me you have a drinking problem.

Sunglasses in every pic. Why are you hiding your eyes? I assume you’re a serial killer.


LOVE AT FIRST CHAT

If you use "lol” more than five times in six lines of chat you’re out. It’s the virtual equivalent of a nervous laugh, and it’s a tell that you’re insecure.

Don’t be so defensive, BRO. I understand that dating is hard. Dating in the modern era is even harder. My first day on Bumble was filled with lots of interesting conversations and even more disturbing interactions with men who came at me with a chip on their shoulders. As I probed, it seemed these men had been on the Tinder/Bumble grind for quite some time. They’d been disillusioned, burned and turned off by the clichés, the flakes, the gold-diggers and the attention-whores. I get it. But don’t put all that baggage on me. You might push away something good by assuming the worst. Resist the urge to become jaded.

AND FINALLY…when I do engage with you – ask me some questions! If you’re interested, act interested. Don’t make me do all the heavy lifting. I know you’re chatting up like 10 chicks a day, but if I’m a priority you’ll make the effort. Period.

If you follow these simple suggestions, you too might end up connecting with a woman like me and then 24 hours later coming over to my house and cooking me lunch while I write, followed by getting one of my world famous blowjobs. Wait, what?

YOU’RE WELCOME.


Bridget Phetasy is a writer and comic in Los Angeles. Twitter: @BridgetPhetasy.

Follow For the Articles on Twitter and Facebook for more Playboy Sex & Culture.


More From Just The Tips See all Just The Tips