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11 of Your All Time Favorite Shows and Why They Sucked Out Loud

11 of Your All Time Favorite Shows and Why They Sucked Out Loud: Warner Bros. / AMC

Warner Bros. / AMC

No one likes to be told that they’re wrong, but sometimes you just need to realize that a thing you love is actually terrible. There are TV shows that we revere to the highest standard and proclaim their perfection, but in actuality they’re not good at all. And by “not good at all” we mean, they’re pretty terrible. Obviously this is just one opinion, but it’s the right opinion and you’ll be better for accepting it. Warning, there are spoilers, but if you haven’t watched them by now you’re probably not going to anyway.


01 dexter SHOWTIME

Showtime

DEXTER
Don’t get me wrong; the first four seasons of Dexter are absolutely fantastic. They’re suspenseful and fun and quickly become addictive. And then there are seasons 5-8 that can only be described as the television equivalent of eating a mason jar. The season with Julia Stiles is so bad you’ll wish you were put in one of those barrels. The final season is so bad you should get a tax break for making it through the whole thing. The stupid story ends with Dexter stealing his sister’s dead body from the hospital, which no one seemed to notice, giving his son to a serial killer, and faking his own death so he could become a lumberjack. Perfect!

02 house-of-cards NETFLIX

Netflix

HOUSE OF CARDS
The first season of House of Cards really pulls you in as you follow reporter Zoe Barnes and her quest to infiltrate the dirty underbelly of the government and expose the lies and scandals. It’s completely captivating. I guess that’s why they decided to immediately murder her at the beginning of season two and spend every other episode following Kevin Spacey around the Oval Office while he talks directly into the camera like an hour long insurance commercial.

03 the-walking-dead AMC

AMC

THE WALKING DEAD
If you’re tired of seeing a dozen zombie shows and movies every time you turn on the TV, look no further than the Walking Dead. Now don’t be mistaken; the graphic novels are amazing and the first season of the show is entertaining enough, but it quickly turns into a melodramatic soap opera with an occasional appearance by the undead. Also these are the slowest walking zombies of all time. Stop shooting at them and just lightly jab and you’re safe! The biggest offense of the show is that it gave birth to Talking Dead, which is the reason that every time there’s a dramatic moment on the show and a cut to commercials you see Chris Hardwick’s ventriloquist dummy head bobbing around spouting off something like, “Boy sure didn’t expect to see Carolyn get her face eaten off, did ya? Zippity do! Stay tuned after the episode to watch me discuss it with Tone Loc and Mike’s weird friend Boner from Growing Pains! What do they have to do with the show? Nothing whatsoever!” It really drives home the drama.

04 the-wire HBO

HBO

THE WIRE
There is nothing white guys love more than talking about The Wire and telling you how much you need to watch The Wire. “Have you seen it, bro? Have you? You seen it, right? How sick is The Wire? So sick, right?” But if you say you started it and couldn’t really get into it, they always follow it up with, “Oh you gotta get through the first two seasons and that’s when it gets really good. Just get through those and you’re golden, bro.” Each episode is an hour and there are 25 in the first two seasons. You’re asking me to throw away an entire day of my life on something that I won’t enjoy in hopes of it getting better at some point after that. Pass.

05 friends Warner-Bros

Warner Bros.

FRIENDS
Oh my god, Friends! It’s sooo good! I love it soooo much! Have you watched Friends recently? Not only are the jokes not that great, there’s more homophobia in it than a Kentucky County Clerk’s office. The story around Chandler’s dad is beyond troubling and I’m fairly certain he would start violently vomiting if he saw two men holding hands. Then you’ve got the relentless fat jokes about Monica where the punch line is basically, “Haha look at that fat person! Isn’t that funny? They’re fat!” I hope someone calls the cops on you for playing in the fountain, you cretins.

06 louie FX

FX

LOUIE
Well, here we go, we might as well hit this one and get all the nerds in a frenzy. Louie started out as a fresh, original comedy from an intelligent perspective. Then somewhere along the way it turned into Louie CK trying to hide his boner while staring at himself in the mirror. The episodes that take themselves too seriously are insultingly bad, but since it’s such a revered show, everyone feels like if they don’t like it, it’s because they don’t get it. I’m sure you were completely enthralled watching him run around town trying to date a woman that doesn’t speak English in a storyline so slow and dragged out it felt like watching paint dry, but this particular paint was written, directed, edited by, and stars Louie CK.

07 sons-of-anarchy FX

FX

SONS OF ANARCHY
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to run around with a sweaty motorcycle gang that passes around women like bottles of Old Milwaukee and looks like they’ve never said the word “shower” without a question mark at the end? Me neither! In what can only be described as an hour of motorcycles revving to the lead singer of Disturb’s Spotify playlist, we get to watch all sorts of amazing performances like Ron Perlman as large guy in sunglasses who rides a motorcycle and mumbles. There’s also the other guy who rides motorcycles and mumbles. And don’t forget guy that somehow always has wet hair who rides a motorcycle and cuts the sleeves off his shirt.

08 the-big-bang-theory CBS

CBS

THE BIG BANG THEORY
This show keeps winning awards and I keep waiting for a ceremony where scientists come out to announce that it’s actually just been a study in human behavior showing how people will laugh at anything if you tell them it’s funny long enough. Here’s my impression of The Big Bang Theory:

Girl: I want to go to the mall later.
Nerd Guy: By mall do you mean a molecular formula? Such as the empirical formula, which is the simplest compound and based on the number of atoms in each compound?
Girl: Uh no.
Nerd Guy: Oh my! I love science! Bazinga!


09 game-of-thrones HBO

HBO

GAME OF THRONES
Remember at first when you were so excited about Game of Thrones and couldn’t miss a single episode? Then it went on a few more seasons and you just kept watching because you figured you put this much time into it, so you might as well ride it out and hope it gets good again. Just bring back that smoke demon crotch baby from earlier to kill everyone and put us out of our misery. We get it, Game of Thrones, you like to show a lot of boobs. Do you know how boring you had to get to make us get bored of boobs? DO YOU??

10 true-detective HBO

HBO

TRUE DETECTIVE
We all hated True Detective season 2, so I’m not going to pick on them, but let’s talk about the train wreck that was season one. It starts off fantastic with all of these clues and hints of mythology. We were analyzing every episode and keeping track of all the little Easter eggs we were given. And you know what it led to? NOTHING! It turned into a boring crime story that ended like an episode of CSI: Miami, just without Caruso’s freckled-cover sunglasses stare. Every clue and hint was for no reason whatsoever because they had no idea what they were doing. And if you don’t believe that’s true, check out True Detective season 2 and see for yourself.

11 lost ABC

ABC

LOST
Let me start this by saying that I love Lost and it’s one of my all time favorite shows, but even I will admit that there were things that absolutely infuriated me about it. There were storylines that had as much longevity as Tinder relationships and few things have pissed me off more than the “Across the Sea” episode where the origin of the island was explained. Jacob asks his mom where they came from and her answer was simply, “the people before us.” WHAT? That is NOT an answer, Allison Janney! Also, here’s how every big conversation went in Lost:

Jack: We have to find a way.
Kate: Jack, be honest with me. Did you see the smoke monster?
Jack: (silence)
CUT TO ANOTHER SCENE

No! That’s not how conversations work! If I asked you if you’d seen a smoke monster and you just stared at me, I would straight up scream in your face until you gave me an answer. Did they just walk away with no response? Have they ever witnessed another human conversation? No wonder Mr. Eko didn’t want to come back.


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