05.10.07 5:00 AM CDT
• Pop Culture
• Josh Robertson
The Happy Mondays had to play Coachella without Bez. For most Americans, the Happy Mondays bring to mind a single moment—it was late 1990, and the single “Step On” was a buzz clip on MTV. The album Pills 'n Thrills and Bellyaches cracked the U.S. Top 100. And then, as far as anyone knows, the band disappeared.
The Mondays didn’t disappear, though. They were huge in the UK, a pillar of the “Madchester” scene. They were also known as one of the hardest-partying bands in the world. Shaun Ryder is said to have survived levels of chemical intake that would normally kill an elephant. Years later, the British music magazine Q ran a cover photo of a very ragged Ryder with the classic cover line: “Strewth! He’s Still Alive!”
Ryder was the lead singer and ringleader, but fans were fascinated by a wild-eyed thin fellow named Bez. It’s not clear what Bez did for the group—he was like Flavor Flav without the rapping, or Stacia without the enormous hooters. On Pills ‘n Thrills, Bez was credited as “Dancer.” On follow-up band Black Grape’s album It’s Great When You’re Straight … Yeah, he was upgraded to “maracas.” His autobiography, published in 1998, was called Freaky Dancin’.
If this sounds like an obituary, dry your eyes, mate. Bez is not dead. Although he had to miss Coachella due to visa issues, he’s alive and well and writing for Britain’s sleaziest tabloid, the Sunday Sport. His “Bez Sez” page manages to satirize tabloid culture while buying into it at the same time—like David Spade’s Showbiz Show, but delivered in inscrutable Mancunian argot. Stories that seem to be standard celebrity-news fare veer off almost instantly into Bez’s personal interest in having sex with famous women—from a story about sexy TV reporters: “She’s so fit you could knock one off over her and not be put off your stroke if she was reporting about starving Africans.” Dunno what exactly he means, but it’s funny anyway. He’s got little patience for fluff news, as demonstrated by this lead sentence: “Hairdressers are the happiest profession, according to some useless fookin’ survey.” He’s not afraid to tackle current events, either:
TOLD you Mahmouod Ahmedinner-jacket wasn’t all bad. Those sailors got a fortnight’s holiday in an interesting country and a free suit. They looked ace coming back in their new whistles. It was like seeing a football team on FA Cup Final day. Not only that but they’ve got a tale to tell down the boozer. How many other people have personally been looked after by a tiny little president who gives you a present? The other thing about dinner jacket is how generous he was to us giving us back our sailors as a gift to the British people. Like all of us, I felt really embarrassed when I heard that. I mean, I hadn’t got him anything.
According to the Sunday Sport’s site, Shaun Ryder has also been enlisted to scribble his thoughts. When he gets around to having some, presumably—the “archive” of his columns is empty. Typical.
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