In the November issue a Muslim woman wrote asking how to tell her parents that she plans to marry a non-Muslim. The Advisor commented that while Muslim women are limited in their choices, Muslim men can “marry anyone they like.” M.C. of Haverhill, Massachusetts, takes exception. We shared his letter with Daisy Khan, the executive director of the American Society for Muslim Advancement, who counsels many interfaith couples, and have included her comments in brackets: M.C. writes, “Islam does not permit a Muslim man to marry ‘anyone,’ as you claim. He can only marry a Muslim, a Christian or a Jew.”

[Khan notes that the Koran states in Sura Al Ma'ida (5:6): "This day all innately good things are lawful for you, Lawful to you are the chaste women from among those who have been given the Book before you. . . .," i.e. Jews and Christians. It also says in Surah al Baqarah (2:221), “Do not marry the idolatresses until they believe, and certainly a believing maid is better than an idolatress woman, even though she should please you…” So we stand corrected.]

“There is one exception,” M.C. continues. “A man who has fornicated is forbidden to marry within the Abrahamic faiths,  so he can only marry a pagan --- unless he is willing to forever turn his Abrahamic wife into a ‘fornicator’ too.”…

[Khan: "I have never heard of this."]

 “One reason for the imbalance between unmarried Muslim men and women in the West is that so many Muslim men are marrying non-Muslims. Jewish and Christian women date, but good Muslim girls do not,” says M.C., “Western Jewish and Christian put out with alacrity while unmarried Muslim girls have their legs welded shut. So young Western Muslim men date Jews and Christians, fall in love with them, and marry them, while their Muslim sisters are at home or at work or in school being good girls….”

[Khan: “It’s true that many Muslim men are marrying Jewish and Christian women. It is not because they don’t date Muslim women, it is because they don’t hesitate because they are allowed to marry Jews and Christians. I know many Muslim men who date Muslim women, fall in love with them and marry them.”]

“Some imams have suggested that wealthy married Muslim men take a second wife so as to help drain the large pool of unmarried western Muslim women….”

[Khan: “It is one thing to say this and another to practice it. Though this suggestion may be welcomed by some men, the majority of Muslim men and women are not buying into it."]

“That almost makes me wish I were a rich Muslim. But Islam understands something that we in the West spend so much time denying so loudly and blindly. Men and women are fundamentally different in many ways. Studies by Christian groups have shown that if a church can get a man to attend his family, including his wife, will very likely follow, but if it can only get his wife, the rest of the family will likely not attend. So there seems a real risk that a non-Muslim husband could lead his wife to another faith….”

[Khan: “I am not sure I understand his point here.”]

“And in Islam, a man married to a Jew or a Christian is required to allow his wife to worship in her church or synagogue, but neither Judaism nor Christianity have similar requirements regarding the Muslim wives of Christians or Jews….”

[Khan: “This is true and a strength of Islam. As long as a child is raised as a Muslim a non-Muslim women may practice her faith as she chooses. In Islam the child's religious lineage comes from the father unlike Judaism which comes from the mother.”]

“On the other hand, of course, unlike Islam, neither Christianity nor Judaism allow a husband to forbid his wife to ever leave the house.”…

[Khan: “This is an exaggeration. Muslim women are working in all kinds of places and fields. Five Muslim women have been heads of state in traditional Muslim societies. M.C. is referring to a few Muslim countries where tribal customs dominate, i.e., women do not leave the house without a male companion, brother, father, husband etc. But even in these societies women go out of their homes accompanied by their drivers who are not related to them."]

We hope that straightens everything out.