There are thousands of brands of hot sauce, the majority of which have names like “Uncle Steve’s Flaming Anus” or “Satan’s Felch.” Nowadays there are so many hot sauces with so many orifice-scorching names that it would be totally unfair to rank them, but we’re going to rank them anyway because…Internet.
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19) The Hottest Fuckin’ Sauce
The Hottest Fuckin’ Sauce has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq. Do not taunt The Hottest Fuckin’ Sauce.
In L.A. it’s cool to douse your taco in Tapatio while smiling and chewing and silently regretting that you just doused your taco with way-too-peppery Tapatio.
As Mexican hot sauces go, it’s better than Tapatio. Plus the trademark wooden top gives hipsters the authentic “I long to brush my fingertips against things made out of wood” experience they long for.
Louisiana-style hot sauce for gourmands who want to taste their precious food
12) Texas Pete
Another hot sauce that lets you savor whatever you’re eating. Tasty. But we expect bolder from you, Texas. (And you, too, Pete.)
11) Frank’s Red Hot
People really do “put that shit on everything.” Have you tried it on popcorn? Try it on popcorn.
It’s the duct tape of hot sauces. It fixes your shitty eggs and terrible delivery pizzas. Tabasco is reliable. It gets the job done. Keep some in the kitchen and at work and in the garage because there is nothing this miracle sauce cannot do.
9) El Yucateo
A sure sign you’re at a Mexican restaurant that is NOT run by an Orange County trustafarian.
8) Marie Sharp’s
Did not know Belize was a country until Marie Sharp’s. Good for you, Belize. That’s great. Keep it up.
7)Dave’s Insanity Sauce
Guaranteed adrenaline rush from thinking your face is on fire and you are about to die. Afterwards the urge to make major life changes upon realization that our time on earth is limited is quite strong.
6) Bite Me Lime Cilantro
Don’t let the inclusion of the trendy ingredient cilantro fool you; it’s oily, sweet and surprisingly great.
5)Howler Monkey Original
Panamanian-style hot sauce made with scotch bonnet peppers. Unlike other Panamanian sauces, it doesn’t beat you in the face with mustard flavor. Which, we must admit, would be a delicious beating.
3) Texas Hold ‘Em All In – No Limit Hot Sauce
Comes with a poker chip because eating it is so risky. And because we’re a nation of degenerate gamblers. Made with scotch bonnet peppers and mango, so it has nice balance.
2) Hot-Headz Serrano Red Chili Sauce
The Serrano is the Rodney Dangerfield of peppers. Just flop-sweat everywhere. And also it gets to respect. Hot-Headz shows other hot sauce makers how to use the Serrano pepper properly.
1) Gringo Bandito
Created by Dexter Holland, singer for the punk rock band The Offspring. When it comes to sweetness and hotness, Gringo Bandito doesn’t keep ‘em separated! (You may pour all of the hot sauce in the world in my eye for that one.)