The most creative names for fireworks and pyrotechnics this July 4th.
Every year, we hear a new story about someone almost maiming himself in a fireworks accident on the 4th of July. It’s like summer’s version of the guy who blows his house up while frying his turkey on Thanksgiving. But does that stop us from buying more fireworks the next Independence Day? Hell no. Because this America (‘Merica, if you will) and that means we have the freedom to detonate explosive pyrotechnics if we please.
Even though fireworks are banned in many states, people still flock to areas where its legal so that they can buy things that go boom. But the truth of the matter is that for all the overwhelming displays at fireworks stores, most of the offerings are basically the same, right down to the hilarious warning that says “Shoots flaming balls.” So the best way to differentiate them is with completely over-the-top names. Forget about M-80s and bottle rockets. These are the 20 most ridiculously named fireworks ever. As you’ll see, there isn’t much room for subtlety.
GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE ASSORTMENT fireworks.com
Sure you might lose the love of your life, custody of your children, and half of your worldly possessions, but seeing something go bang makes it all worth it.
IWO JIMA fireworks.com
When those marines raised the stars and stripes at the Battle of Iwo Jima, it became a symbol of freedom worldwide. And there is no better way to honor that memory than with amateur explosives.
BADA BING! BADA BOOM! fireworks.com
Apparently, these are the kind of fireworks that Tony Soprano would go for. Hopefully, they come with a more satisfying finale than the HBO show.
UNTAMED RETRIBUTION fireworks.com
This sounds a little bit like the name of an MMA T-shirt brand. But with a box that features a bald eagle, an American flag, and a fighter jet, it’s clear that this is 100%, Grade A American firepower. Yippee ki yay, motherf*ckers.
SHAGADELLIC MOJO fireworks.com
In case you thought Austin Powers references were passé, these 16-shot blasts prove otherwise. Just don’t say “One million dollars” in a Dr. Evil voice.
THERMOBARIC WARHEADS fireworks.com
This one takes a sophisticated understanding of military ordinance. Thermobaric weapons utilize oxygen from the surrounding air to create a massive blast. The fireworks that bear their name are pretty much the same as all the others, but they sound significantly more fierce.
MOLOTOV COCKTAIL fireworks.com
There’s nothing quite like celebrating the birth of America with fireworks named after the makeshift bomb that has been used in countless protests against the U.S. and its policies.
CIRQUE DE PYROTECHNIQUE fireworks.com
You know those two strongman brothers that do those gravity-defying gymnastics routines in Cirque Du Soleil? Yeah, these are nothing like that, but they do have “big crackling chrysanthemums.”
WICKED PISSA fireworks.com
Who knew there were regional varieties of fireworks? These are ideal for the Masshole who still worships No-mah.
SEXY RIDER fireworks.com
If you detonate these, it’s required that you listen to “Born To Be Wild” while reciting an homage to Sons Of Anarchy.
HERE COME DA JUDGE fireworks.com
We have no idea if anyone even gets the obscure reference to the Sammy Davis Jr. Laugh-In sketch but these fireworks are “Guaranteed to get the book thrown at you.”
PINK CHAMPAGNE ON ICE tntfireworks.com
Of all the classic rock lyrics to convert into fireworks, this line from the Eagles’ “Hotel California” is not what we’d expect. Just make sure not to set them off in a room with mirrors on the ceiling.
SUMPINS THUMPIN tntfireworks.com
Sadly, this has nothing to do with Lagunitas Brewery’s Lil Sumpin Sumpin ale. Shaped a like V12 engine, this is the kind of firework designed for a guy whose van has a “If this van’s a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’” bumper sticker.
It’s shaped like an O and blows up, so it’s called O-Blivion. Get it? Get it?
ULTIMATE MAN CARD fireworks.com
It makes perfect sense that the guys from *Duck Dynasty have their own line of fireworks. This one is called Ultimate Man Card, so if you’re the type of guy that needs to have your masculinity affirmed by guys who make duck calls, then this is for you.
DEVIL’S POISON keystonefireworks.com
These fireworks are so extreme they would make Lucifer himself sick, which actually might make for another good firework name, Devil’s Vomit.
BAD ASS keystonefireworks.com
There is nothing more bad ass than a donkey on steroids wearing Terminator sunglasses.
POLITICAL BS fireworks.com
It’s an election year and we are going to find out where all 247 candidates stand on a variety of issues from gay marriage to health care. But what’s really important is their opinions on Americans’ right to blow stuff up.
BIG STINKER keystonefireworks.com
I would’ve loved to be in the meeting where they signed off on this pitch: “It’s an elephant. Taking a dump. And leaving a trail of ash behind it. Then at the end—wait for it—the elephant makes a farting sound.”
The awesomely terrible (or is it terribly awesome?) made-for-TV movie franchise Sharknado deserves to be immortalized in fireworks form. It’s just too bad they couldn’t put Ian Ziering’s picture on the packaging.