Q 13

PLAYBOY: A lot of viewers think you're full of it and don't hesitate to say so. How does Al McGuire answer to the charge?

Al McGuire: Well, I am full of buffalo chips, but I know it. Which makes me much further advanced than the ones who are and don't realize it. At least, I know I'm a ham. But I enjoy it. The only thing is, when I'm with more than four people at a time, I think I should be paid.

Q 14

PLAYBOY: Did tending bar at the McGuire family's tavern in Queens early in life prepare you for the kind of on-mike shirt-sleeve psychoanalyzing in which you specialize now?

Al McGuire: Yeah, but I didn't know it at the time. I used to think that I was going to be a bartender for the rest of my life. I was even learning how to clip out of the register, which means take some money out for yourself. I didn't realize that I was being educated, that this was equal to a scholarship to Princeton. As a nighttime bartender, you learn to judge people very, very quickly. You can feel a room and know who the shysters are and who the hookers are. You know who the phonies are and who the sincere people are. You learn not to rate people if their name is Gabor or Shalakis, or if they wear a cap, or if they slur, or if they spill a drink. You learn to know what the devil it's all about--and it's not the cloth napkins and the limos.

A bar is a clearinghouse. People open up there. You never go into a bar where people are postdating memos. They're usually exchanging and sometimes there's sadness, but there's still an exchange. There is a nice feeling at two in the morning to see a beer sign. It's somewhere you can place a bet or have an affair or play a jukebox or whatever. Of all the places I know on earth, it seems to be the most wholesome. You're not walking into anything that you have to prep yourself for. When you go in, you know what's there and what's expected of you. If you want to join in, you can. If you want to slip down to the end of the bar and cry in your beer, you can do that, too.

I never got into this before, but I hope the neighborhood saloon never leaves us. It's something like the porch on a house. But there are no more porches.

Q 15

PLAYBOY: You've been married for nearly 32 years. What's your secret to making it last?

Al McGuire: Being separate. I don't understand the doctor and the nurse who go to work together. I don't understand that type of love. I didn't marry to have a bodyguard. I married for a companion. My wife has her life and she enjoys it. We enjoy our time together. But when I retired a few years ago, I thought I'd do my wife a favor by hanging around the house. I didn't realize that I was on her turf and that she needed those four, five, six hours for whatever she did. So now, once that guy from Notre Dame comes on, the guy who does the interviews--Phil Donahue--I get the hell out.

So I think the trick to having a long run is not to be like glue. There should be separate vacations. I go on them. When I'm on my separate vacation, that's hers.

I have only one life, and it's nonnegotiable. It's like my brother John says: "In marriage, only one person can be happy." So he's being happy. It's the same in my marriage. I'm self-centered. I like myself. It's just my way.

Q 16

PLAYBOY: We've heard that you have an interesting way of telling her of your impending journeys.

Al McGuire: I say something like, "Pat, I'm going to New Zealand," and then I walk into the washroom and lock the door. She follows me to the door and asks, "Did you say that?" I say yes. Then she keeps yelling and I keep flushing the toilet.

Q 17

PLAYBOY: You've never been much of a big spender. For a guy who delights in Filet-o-Fish sandwiches, making $1,000,000 a year must present a real quandary. How do you manage to spend your money?

Al McGuire: I just don't. I never changed my style. I live exactly as I did when I was hustling quarters. I don't stop at McDonald's because it costs less; I stop there because I like it. It's not the act. I just feel comfortable there. I like windows that open up to the outside.

I don't know of anything I want. I like having my health and seeing my children do good, but I don't need anything. I have no interest in wheels, per se. I don't take care of them. When I'm eating a candy bar, I throw the wrapper on the floor of the car. I'm not looking for a nice car that I can't throw wrappers in.

Q 18

PLAYBOY: You're fast becoming the Oscar Wilde of the Eighties, thanks to your wise and colorful aphorisms. Are there any personal favorite McGuireisms that you think Bartlett's Familiar Quotations ought to know about?

Al McGuire: A lot of things I say come from a lack of vocabulary. I reach for pictures, like, "quick as the last Mass at a summer resort." Here are a few others: "The blacks will not succeed until you see a homely black receptionist." "If someone calls you, the third thing he says is usually the reason he called." "The person who reaches for the check and doesn't get it never wanted it in the first place." "If you want to eat good chili, go to a restaurant where the waitress' ankles are dirty. The dirtier the place, the better the chili." And "If you want good Mexican food, there has to be writing on the men's-room wall."

Q 19

PLAYBOY: What do you think gnaws at the heart of the loudmouthed, really obnoxious sports fan?

Al McGuire: Most males who get obnoxious at sporting events have wives who beat the hell out of them at home. It's the only chance they get to be macho, like an Alex Karras or a Dick Butkus. All the guys who are marshmallows want to be Marine drill sergeants. But when it's raining out, they put on galoshes. I've never met a young person who wore galoshes whom I thought was successful. In fact, I guarantee you that anyone who wears galoshes to the office never misses a coffee break.

Q 20

PLAYBOY: You pick up some pretty good change every year on the rubber-chicken circuit, speaking on your theories of motivation. What do you tell those people?

Al McGuire: I'm telling people about my life, my world, my humor, my fears. I'm telling them that whatever they really want, they can have. But they must do certain things. They mustn't touch the world of excuses or ever say, "Someone else got a better break than me." It's very important for people to like themselves and to admit what their problems are. If you don't like who you are, then, shit, you must want to make everybody else miserable.

I feel that I'm 75 percent bullshit and 25 percent genius. So I try to spend 90 percent of my time on the 25 percent. Why should I spend any time on the other percentage? I can't do anything about that. So I think that everyone out there in the audience has something. God didn't miss any of us.