Q 6

PLAYBOY: What pisses you off?

Billy Crystal: Rude people. The fact that life goes by so fast. And, on a heavier note, that my father died when I was 15. That got me very angry--still does. You come to a point in life where you want to say, "I'm doing good." But I've got no one--well, my mother and my brothers and I are close, but I miss being able to say to my dad, "Hey, look what I'm doing." It probably started because being the youngest of three brothers, I had to be the loudest. I did a lot of "Look at me," and still do.

I also get upset at people who say, "You do life only once, so get it right." And at my own perfectionism. I'm also angry about being ambivalent.

Q 7

PLAYBOY: How did you react to the news that Sammy Davis Jr. had incorporated the song Ghostbusters into his act?

Billy Crystal: [As Sammy] "Who are you going to call? Ghostbusters." Really? Oh, no! "I ain't afraid of no ghost." It's just so perfect. I worked with Sammy for two weeks once. It was the most fun I've ever had in show business. He was great to talk with, had great stories. [As Sammy] "I'm at a party and Kim and I are off in a corner." And I'd say, "Kim Novak? "Yeah. And then Brando comes in." "Marlon?" "Yeah." "Then Bogart and I were having a joint." "Humphrey?" "Yeah." I loved hearing these names. He was such a character. It gave me the juice to do him. I only do people I like. I do them; I don't "get" them. But I hear Sammy is upset about this, and I feel bad. He says I do the old him. But I don't. The new him is more of the old him.

Q 8

PLAYBOY: What songs can you play on a push-button phone?

Billy Crystal: Camptown Races. Also, a song called I Love Mickey that Teresa Brewer sang in 1956 with Mickey Mantle. It's [sings] "I love Mickey. Three-three-one-one." [Picks up phone and dials] Da-da-da-da. That's Beethoven. Also, The Marriage of Figaro, but I need two phones.

Q 9

PLAYBOY: How do you shave?

Billy Crystal: Badly--too fast and in the wrong direction. I end up bleeding like someone in a razor-blade war. I look like an aerial view of a farming area, all ruts and stuff.

Q 10

PLAYBOY: As an ex-ballplayer and a former major-league hopeful, what would you like to tell commissioner Peter Ueberroth?

Billy Crystal: Peter, no designated hitter. That's not baseball. It puts too much of a burden on the starting pitcher. It's taken strategy out of the game. I'm an old-fashioned guy. I wish they'd outlaw Astroturf. I also hate double-knit uniforms. And I'd especially like to re-establish players' staying with hometown clubs for 20 years. It was great knowing Mantle would be a Yankee his entire career. That's why I love Carl Yastrzemski. I do a piece on a fan waiting to give Yaz five in the victory lap. It's the most emotional thing. When Yaz finally passes, the guy's thought is, He looks so much bigger up close. Then he touches him and it's "Goodbye, Shane."

Q 11

PLAYBOY: Who is your best friend and why?

Billy Crystal: Rob Reiner. Well, there are two people I love very much, Rob and...but this is going to hurt the third one. OK. Rob and a screenwriter named Eric Roth. We share the same point of view. It's strength in numbers when we go, "Wait a second. Am I nuts? Or why do I think of Molly Goldberg when I have an org--do you? Yes!" The same hang-ups. "Life is a bitch and then you die."

Q 12

PLAYBOY: You're a family man with two children. What kind of advice will you give your older daughter about men?

Billy Crystal: Don't give it up too soon. Make sure you like him. Boy, am I boring here. [Pauses] I haven't done it yet, but she's 12 and I'll have to--unless her mother does it. So I guess I'll be saying, "Jenny, make sure you get at least dinner and a movie." That sounds terrible. You're hitting an area in me that's so fearful. I do a piece on stage about her fantasy boyfriend's coming to the door. I'm sitting there and the bell rings. And the guy is gigantic! It's, like, "Look at the size of this thing!" He says, "Is Jenny home?" I worry, because it's going to happen. She's cute, charming, got it all. I'd hate to say, "Experiment," because I know where that goes. I guess I'd just say, "Be patient, take your time and the right guy will come to you." Corny but true.