Q 13

PLAYBOY: What's the most amazing thing a doctor has said to you at checkup time?

Billy Crystal: "What is that, a spoon?" No. "How'd you get that mouse in there?" They call it rat running in San Francisco. OK--here's the truth. Two things.

In 1961, I was getting ready for my bar mitzvah. I was very small, very thin. I have a brother 6'2", another 5'10", but my grandparents were lab mice. It's in the genes, but I kept feeling shortchanged. So my mother took me to a doctor to get my "spaces" X-rayed for a prognosis on my growth rate, because she had an awful vision that I was going to be a midget wrestler one day. So the doctor came out of the office after the exam and said, "Maybe 5'8." That was the worst thing I'd ever heard in my life. So they put me on these appetite pills, because now I wasn't eating. I ate my brains out. In two months, I gained 30 pounds. But I didn't grow an inch. I became this little fat kid for my bar mitzvah, ripping my suit seams, standing on a milk crate behind the pulpit.

The other thing is embarrassing. [Pauses] Oh, well.... I'd had chest pains and a little lump on my breast. I thought my life was over, that I had cancer. We all have that big cancer alert, no matter what it is. The doctor said I was growing a breast because of a hormonal problem. It's incredibly common.

Q 14

PLAYBOY: Defend game shows.

Billy Crystal: I would like to appear on Jeopardy. It's the root of Trivial Pursuit. I love the show. I've done Hollywood Squares, but it was uncomfortable, I felt like Caryl Chessman. I was in the "death box," sitting next to Rose Marie, who was saying [deep voice] "Billy, do you know anyone for me?" I'll take Cliff Arquette to block. However, I am the world's champion $20,000 Pyramid player. I own the fastest time. It's very hard not to say "Ah" under pressure, but it was one of those things that just clicked. It was literally one clue for each answer. I did it in 26 seconds. I have a cassette of it that I look at now and then. It was ridiculous.

Q 15

PLAYBOY: You're managed by the people who handle Woody Allen. What's it like bumping into him in the hall?

Billy Crystal: Bumping into him in the hall is scary. It's like, "Hi, I shouldn't be in the same world." He's an idol of mine. He's sweet and very shy, but you get the feeling that he doesn't really want to talk to you. But we talked about jazz. He knew who my father was. Later, we played three-man basketball in a gym that Woody had rented. He wore two pairs of black socks, a headband, white T-shirt, some kind of shorts. He was a good outside shot. It's weird. I was 26 years old at the time and I was guarding Woody Allen. So I started to press him. [Laughs, imitates Allen] "Please...would you not guard me so close? I have trouble with that." Then we played these two taller guys and he said, "I don't think it's a good idea. It's sort of Kafkaesque." But we beat them. That was in 1976. 1 haven't really seen him since.

Q 16

PLAYBOY: What joke do you tell when you're put on the spot?

Billy Crystal: Like now? There are a couple. OK. There are two guys watching a great Dane lick his balls. For an hour. They're mesmerized. One guy turns to the other and says, "I wish I could do that." The other says, "You'd better pet him first; he looks awfully mean." Stupid. Another? There's this old Jewish couple in divorce court. They're, like, 90. And the judge says, "You want a divorce after all these years?" The man says, "Yes. Ever since we were married." "So why did you wait so long?" "We were waiting for the children to die." OK, last one, hardly any punch line. An actor comes home and finds his house all ripped apart. He can't find his wife. "Honey? Honey?" Nothing. Then he hears some murmuring in the closet, opens the door, finds her beaten and raped. He goes nuts. "My God, honey, who did this? Tell me so I can kill him." Finally, she says, "OK. It was your agent." He says, "My agent came to the house?"

Q 17

PLAYBOY: Are you a guys' guy or a girls' guy?

Billy Crystal: What's a guys' guy? Someone who spits and drinks Löwenbräu? I think I'm a girls' guy. I think that comes with having kids. I'm very considerate and an incredible lover. I like women, being with them. I love my wife. We've been together since 1966. No matter where I am, I call. I never take a job on her birthday.

Q 18

PLAYBOY: Are you funny in bed?

Billy Crystal: I've been told that. You mean during sex? Gotta laugh--at the right times. [Becomes Fernando] It's one thing to be that wild, instinctive chimpanzee of love that I can be, [as Billy] but when my wife says, "Wear the Sammy make-up home," I get scared. But we have a few laughs. The most human moments are when we're stuck to each other. Those things. I'm hurting. Those are funny moments, but, you know, they're over so quickly that there really is no time for laughs. Hmm. I guess I am Jewish!

Q 19

PLAYBOY: What do you know about comedy that newcomers will learn?

Billy Crystal: Mel Brooks once said to me, "Hang in there. I didn't make it until I was 52 years old." And you've got to do what you believe in. Also, don't have an agent or a manager. Stay out of Ferraris and any other small Italian car. Work honestly. Don't eat fatty food before a show, because it just lies there.

Q 20

PLAYBOY: What can't you do that you would really like to do?

Billy Crystal: Grow. My ideal height would be six feet--5'10", even. Look, 5'4" would be great. No. I'd like to grow because then I could have played baseball. And I'd feel more comfortable doing nude scenes.

What else? I'd like to know how to tip. I'm an idiot there. I'd like to understand foreign currency. I hate it when I give the money and the guy goes, "Thank you, g'v'nor." I'd also like to be able to do the new math. And sit down and play the piano instantly. I play the clarinet. I look at the piano and it's like a Yiddish newspaper. But most of all, I'd like to be able to just walk onto The Tonight Show and say, "Excuse me, Johnny, but we're just taping across the hall. How you doin'?"