One marvelous thing about actor/comedian Billy Crystal is that although he has portrayed so many marvelous characters on Saturday Night Live, Soap, The Billy Crystal Comedy Hour--not to mention the first pregnant man, in the film Rabbit Test--he is absolutely marvelous just being himself, even though he is not related to Marvelous Marvin Hagler. Do you know what we're saying, darlings? And we feel we must tell you that he is, of course, a marvelous husband and father. We asked Contributing Editor David Rensin to meet with Crystal in his small but marvelously appointed NBC office. Said Rensin after the interview, "He looked great."

Q 1

PLAYBOY: What does Fernando have that Ricardo and Cesar don't? And how did he get it?

Billy Crystal: [As Fernando] See, they don't know how to really tap into the pulse of America. You know what I'm saying to you? Cesar did the Batman. He was the Joker, I believe. But he hid behind the mask. It was like a Fellini dinner party when you looked at his face. And Ricardo got fat and lazy with Fantasy Island. He did not need a midget to look good. You know what I'm saying? And I think perhaps they made the mistake of having a lift and tuck that did not take. And so, the face falls. [Pauses] Now, me, I look mahvelous.

This whole thing got started when I was watching The Tonight Show and Fernando Lamas was on. I used to love him on there, because he would say, "You look marvelous, John. That was really marvelous"--but not the way I do it. He would just say it, and that seemed to be the thrust of his in-depth conversation. And then one night Johnny said, "Well, you look great, too." And Fernando said, "I'd rather look good than feel good." I got hysterical. I was running for a pad.

Later, I called up one of my managers and his secretary answered and I said [in voice], "Hello, this is Fernando Lamas. Can I talk with David, please?" And we got into it. It got so funny that the whole office started calling me and saying, "Hello, Billy? Is Fernando there?" Then I started leaving answering-machine messages, and this Fernando thing got very big--but only on the phone.

Finally, when I got my own show at NBC, I was fooling around with Fernando, and my brother, who was a writer on the show, said, "Let's do a talk show and call it The Hideaway." So I would improvise 18 minutes' worth of guests and edit it down. When I brought Fernando to Saturday Night Live, "You look mahvelous" became a sort of catch phrase. The other day, I ran into a two-year-old kid doing it in the supermarket.

Of course, you know that I'm not doing Fernando Lamas. The late Mr. Lamas was a nice, intelligent man. My guy is an idiot. But he means well.

Q 2

PLAYBOY: Who does not look marvelous?

Billy Crystal: [As Fernando] David Soul. Nice man, needs some work. Billy Dee Williams. I'm confused, Bill. First movies, now Dynasty? I don't get that. Sold out for the bucks? O.J. Simpson. I'm confused. Nice man but bad career moves. Too much time at airports. Next time, walk, don't run, babe. Mel Tormé. Great singer, but this thing [grabs chin] is like a turtleneck. It's amazing-looking. Marlon Brando, this whole weight thing, I don't get it. Is it pain? Am I sensing pain, Marlon? Three hundred pounds! Also, what's with this video, Jermaine Jackson? With the shooting? With the woman trying to kill you in the shower? What the hell is that?

Q 3

PLAYBOY: You were in the original cast of Saturday Night Live. Should we believe what we read in the press: that you quit because you weren't allowed to develop material at your own pace?

Billy Crystal: No. I was brand-new. I had a deal pending with NBC at the time. The thought was that I would do six appearances and develop into a host. When I went on to do the first show, I saw that my spot was at 12:55 A.M.--not great. But we did a dress rehearsal on Friday and the piece was great, though a bit long. It ran six minutes and Lorne [Michaels, Saturday Night Live's creator] said it had to be trimmed by nearly five. I couldn't. So I called the office and we met here on Saturday--the day of the debut of what I knew was going to be a history-making show. And we went back and forth. It was terribly painful. Eventually, we decided that because of the lack of time, I'd look like a throw-in. Much later, I found out that it had actually come down to a choice between me and Valri Bromfield, based on who had traveled farther. I had come from Long Island. She had come from Toronto.

The night I got bumped, I was already in my make-up. I took the Long Island Rail Road home. It was just awful. I was leaning against the glass, like Dustin Hoffman on the bus at the end of Midnight Cowboy. I got to my apartment and made the phone calls: "Hello, Mom? I'm not going to be on." She said, "What did you say to those people? What did you do, get fired?" That was the worst.

I went on to the other Saturday Night, with Howard Cosell. I have a picture of the marquee from one night: TONIGHT'S GUESTS, CHITA RIVERA, GWEN VERDON, ROY CLARK, SENATOR EDWARD KENNEDY AND BILLY CRYSTAL. And then Soap happened. I moved to Los Angeles. But my head and heart were in New York. I didn't feel right for years, until my show was canceled and I got back out on the road, just working, doing stand-up.

Q 4

PLAYBOY: Many of the characters you now portray are older than you. You're 36. What draws you to the aged?

Billy Crystal: I do them well. I also have a huge fear of getting old. When I was growing up, there was a lot of death in my family. The grandparents were always sick. They were joyous people, with a sense of humor, but always sick. On Passover, we'd be together and there would be 40 people doing "Who's sicker?" You know, "What are you talking about? The fever, 108, it's not a fever. I was dead for six months and didn't know it. I came back because Jews have a sense of humor." I'd hear that and get upset. I loved them, yet I would get up and start imitating them. They got hysterical. And 30 years later, I'm still doing them. When I slid into 35 headfirst, I thought, Boy, this goes fast. Soon you start learning words like minoxidil; learning that you can't play two sets of tennis; that aspirin really does upset your stomach; that you shouldn't swim after a sandwich. So I'm getting ready.

Q 5

PLAYBOY: Your father started the Commodore jazz record label. Billie Holiday baby-sat for you. Did she sing you to sleep?

Billy Crystal: She baby-sat for me, but my parents didn't give her two dollars an hour to come over. And she didn't sing me to sleep. It wasn't as great as that. My dad ran great jazz concerts: Going to them was the only way I could see him on the weekends. They were called the Sessions. And Billie would be there--though I had no idea who these people were: the giants of jazz, Eddie Condon, Jack Teagarden, all the great Dixielanders. I was five or six years old. They were great characters and funny. What I didn't like was being around them when they were drunk or stoned. But I loved the fact that they made people feel good. I would run up on stage and tapdance with them. That's when I started performing.

My nickname was Face. Billie called me Face or Mr. Billy a lot. I called her Miss Billie and used to imitate her. One time, she took me to see Shane at the Loews State. I sat in her lap. I remember hearing the kid calling after Alan Ladd, "Come back, Shane, my mom wants you!" And Billie cried, "He ain't never comin' back. He ain't gonna come back. When a man makes up his mind to go, he goes."