Q 6

PLAYBOY: Describe the contents of Church Lady's medicine cabinet.

Dana Carvey: Her medicine chest would be really stripped down. Probably aspirin and good tartar-control tooth paste. Toothbrush and Listerine. There might be a four-by-six picture of Minister Bob that she keeps in the Band-Aid box. One time, she saw him mowing the lawn in his tight little Bermuda shorts and she started feeling tempted by Satan. So to suppress her satanic desires, she popped a butter-rum Life Saver and sucked like there was no tomorrow.

Q 7

PLAYBOY: What implications for the future of America do you see in Wayne's World? Will Wayne and Garth be able to compete with boys from Stuttgart and Yokohama?

Dana Carvey: For every Wayne, there's a computer geek who's probably going to compete. Right now, these guys don't have any issues other than Aerosmith and Mötley Crüe. Wayne is a pretty good bullshitter. He's pretty smart. I have not analyzed where he's going to be in five years. Garth is just the best friend. He will get along in life because he is so loyal. He'll be a great company man someday. He'll have a little haircut and a little lunch pail. And he'll do exactly as they say. He'll get to work real early. He'll leave for work two hours before he has to be there.

Q 8

PLAYBOY: You've admitted to pride in your comedy and envy of Michael Jackson's low body fat. Are you tempted by lust?

Dana Carvey: It's not an issue. I'm never in a position to think about it. I really don't find myself attracted.... Mickey Rooney told me that money makes a guy handsomer. I guess he would know. But my wife met me ten, eleven years ago, so that's the great advantage. When she met me, I was a bus boy, but I was a damned good bus boy. She's probably a little more attracted to me now, but she would be with me even if I were still a bus boy. I'd have a different perspective if I were single, but I'm not. I guess some people don't change their perspective after they get married. They see something and decide they're going after that. Well, no. You can't.

Q 9

PLAYBOY: Besides resisting temptation, is there a secret to a good marriage?

Dana Carvey: Good clean cotton panties and Jockey shorts are underrated as aids to a good marriage. My wife and I hand-wash our underwear in the sink each night before dinner. It's a ritual. That really, really fresh clean cotton smell helps us relate to each other better. My wife and I are reclusive to the point where we're accused of being agoraphobic. Don't go to premieres. Never go anywhere. Ever. I'm always tired and cranky. I just like to watch TV.

Q 10

PLAYBOY: If Robin Leach guided us through your life, what would he breathlessly describe?

Dana Carvey: He'd show my palatial one-bedroom apartment on the twelfth floor of a building on the Upper West Side of Manhattan and my sprawling two-thousand-eight-hundred-and-forty-two-square-foot house on a flat half acre in California. I used to live next to Pat Benatar, but I never interacted with her. And there's my car. I have a Volvo, because I just want a machine to get me from point A to point B. To me, a car is a place to listen to music. I have an eight-thousand-dollar stereo system in it. When I sell the car, I'll advertise it as a stereo system with car included. I've got video games. I was into Super Mario Brothers until I started having trouble with my eyes. I decided it wasn't worth rescuing the princess to lose my eyesight. So I decided to lay off. I have Phil Hartman and Jon Lovitz over and we jam with acoustic guitars. We re-create side one of Rubber Soul. We're so good that people in the next room are convinced that the Beatles are back.

Q 11

PLAYBOY: Do you do bathroom humor in the Carvey bathroom?

Dana Carvey: All comedians like really blue humor off stage. The only jokes that comedians laugh at are crude and gross and usually homophobic. Everything else has been done so much it's generic to us. They like stuff that's very shocking. Maybe Andrew Dice Clay is the wave of the future.

Q 12

PLAYBOY: We understand you learned to run before you learned stand-up.

Dana Carvey: My whole act from the age of fourteen to twenty-one was distance running. I was all-Conference. But I never got into wearing a letter sweater. I started running in 1969, when you would get out there and people would shout, "Hey, who's chasing you?" or "Look, the guy's wearing underwear!" And you had to go to a sporting goods store to buy cross-country shoes and the clerk would ask you to describe them to him. Maybe they had a few pairs in the back. Nowadays, it's like a social club, all exhibitionists in their tights. I go running around the Central Park Reservoir. You can see Madonna out there. And David Letterman and Tom Brokaw. I run because it's a really great legal high. I get a real good buzz. And I run really, really hard. I don't enjoy jogging or trotting. I keep getting injured. I like to torture myself.