Her two widely acclaimed books, Metropolitan Life and Social Studies, plus her frequent television appearances, have established Fran Lebowitz as one of America's most wise-assed humorists. E. Jean Carroll spent several days with her in New York. Carroll told us later, "Fran wanted this to be called 20 Answers."

Q 1

PLAYBOY: What's the novel you're writing?

Fran Lebowitz: The title is Exterior Signs of Wealth, but I may just call it Art. That's if it comes out the way I want it. If it doesn't, I'm going to call it Craft.

Q 2

PLAYBOY: What goes on in hell, Fran? What does it look like?

Fran Lebowitz: Hell looks like the girl's gym at my high school. In hell, I am taking gym, but I also have a book due. That's my idea of hell. I hated gym in high school. We had the standard-model gym teachers: paramilitary. They thought the same thing of my athletic ability as I thought of their literary ability. We had basketball, field hockey, gymnastics, rope climbing--rope climbing I refused. I refused even to attempt it. I said, "I refuse to die before my first book comes out." And I was terrible in basketball. I was short and white. My grandparents did not come to this country steerage so that I could run around playing basketball. We already got out of the ghetto. We didn't have to continue the process.

So that is the main reason I don't like sports. To me, sports is just gym with different uniforms. It's gym for adults.

Q 3

PLAYBOY: How do you know when you are falling in love as opposed to coming down with something?

Fran Lebowitz: There's practically no distinction: You need penicillin for both. The main symptom of falling in love is that you lose your intellectual prowess. That's why there are all those words surrounding lovers--"falling in love," "lovesick," "love crazy." I love being in love. I don't think anything compares with it, though I consider it very disruptive. I am a cheerier person when I'm in love, and I think I'm a good person to be in love with. I'm a very, um, entertaining conversationalist. I'm an excellent present giver. Even if I have no money, I give excellent presents. That means I'm good at borrowing, too. I'm, ah, a very good recipient of gifts. A more frequent recipient. I'm better at receiving. And I smoke, so I have something to do afterward.

Q 4

PLAYBOY: Do you go out and buy new underwear when you fall in love?

Fran Lebowitz: I'm not a fanatic.

Q 5

PLAYBOY: Are you jealous? What makes you jealous?

Fran Lebowitz: Romantically? I have an average, really average, common amount of sexual jealousy. I don't have an extreme amount, and I'm not that jealous at all. What makes me jealous? The slightest shift in attention.