Q 13

PLAYBOY: How funny is having money?

Jay Leno: Hmmm. That reminds me of one of my favorite TV commercials in which an English guy says, "Here's a priceless introduction to the classics that will enrich every home." The camera pulls back and you see his apartment: There's a grand piano, a candelabrum, a bust of Beethoven, a harp, a painting of a fruit bowl in one of those garish frames, red drapes and Victorian sconces on the wall. And all of this is crammed into a tiny square space. It occurred to me that this is like a bum's idea of how rich people live. They can't conceive of having a lot of space, so they just figure the other half lives in the same little rooms they do, with all of this rich shit stuffed inside. To me, it's the funniest commercial on TV.

The way TV treats money is so funny. I saw this stupid Fantasy Island where a guy, happily married, fantasizes about being a millionaire. So he gets his million and instantly turns into Joe Prickhead. He leaves his wife, starts running with bimbos and is about to get his divorce. Then Ricardo Montalban shows up and says, "Do you know that money is not often the key to happiness?" He takes the money, throws it into the river and, as soon as it hits the water, the guy and his wife are happy again. It's so simplistically stupid.

These things are disguised to keep poor people from really seeing how much fun rich people have. I mean, I've been broke and I've had money, and it's a lot of fun having money. Your basic nature doesn't change. I've been married for five years. Why should I be a prick now that I have a few bucks put away?

Q 14

PLAYBOY: For whom are you most frequently mistaken?

Jay Leno: Believe it or not, Fred Travalena, the host of Anything for Money. This is the game show where they try to find people with severe economic problems and see if they can tell the difference between human dignity and small financial gain. It's the kind of thing the Communists like to show Russian people as an example of what life in America must be like.

You know who else I've been mistaken for? A limo driver who once picked me up at the Atlantic City airport told me that my picture was on a billboard in town. This kind of surprised me, but he said he'd show me. So we were driving along and I saw this billboard with Anthony Newley on it. He said, "There it is, sir." I said, "I'm not Anthony Newley; he's, like, 20 years older than I am! Give me a break!" Have you ever heard Newley's song about comedians, The Man Who Makes You Laugh? It's horrible. [Sings] "Look at me, I'm the fun-nee man,"...you know, crying on the inside, laughing on the outside. Shut up, you jerk! Here's a fuckin' Magnum through the head. Let's see how funny you are now!

Q 15

PLAYBOY: Answer the eternal question: Does Elvis live?

Jay Leno: I've always been an Elvis fan. I've gone to Graceland. Since I'm from New England, there's nothing I enjoy more than seeing a Chippendale dresser that's been painted purple and orange. Do you mean, "Is he really still alive?" I've met some people who think he pumps gas somewhere in Idaho. You can't blame them, though. I saw a magazine not long ago that said "ELVIS AT FIFTY," with a big picture of him on the cover. People were picking up the magazine, saying, "Jeez, he looks great for 50!" It's crazy. Elvis doesn't look great! He's dead! He's been dead for eight years!

Q 16

PLAYBOY: Define hackneyed.

Jay Leno: This will piss off comics. I once tried to do a study and compiled The Little Big Book of Overdone, Hackneyed Comedy Premises. I took it onto the Letterman show and got an enormous number of angry calls. Basically, these were the most abused comedy gags. Things like, "Can you imagine if E.T. landed in my neighborhood? Boy, we'd kick the shit out of him!" Or McNuggets, as in "Where are the McNuggets on a chicken?"; "I'll grab you by the McNuggets"; "Don't touch my McNuggets."

Then, among the most-hackneyed type of performers, there's the wacky duo, which is very popular now. These are generally two white guys: One is serious; the other keeps interrupting with annoying sound effects. Then there's my favorite, the impressionist who announces he's about to become a crustacean or something, saying, "It'll go something like this...." He'll turn around for a second, then come back, and he'll look exactly the same. That's amazing to me. I'll go out on a limb, though, and predict that when we remember 1985's most hackneyed premise, it'll be the talking-car bit, inspired by those electronic-warning-voice systems: "You know, cars talk now, ladies and gentlemen. Can you imagine the Jewish car? 'Vat are you, too good to wear a seat belt, schmuck?'"

Q 17

PLAYBOY: How misunderstood was Andy Kaufman?

Jay Leno: Andy was like theater of the absurd. He wasn't really a stand-up comedian. His thing was to get a reaction, and it almost didn't matter what the reaction was. I saw him at The Improv once, reading The Great Gatsby out loud for an hour and a half. People got up and left, then came back two minutes later to see if Andy had put the book down because they'd left. But he'd keep reading.

People would get mad that they weren't let in on the joke. At the end of his shows, they wanted Andy to do a Don Rickles thing--you know, "I'm not really like this--I'm a normal guy...." But he wouldn't. He kept it up his whole life. He never dropped it. And that used to drive people in Hollywood nuts, people who wanted desperately to be able to say, "I know the other side of Andy!" But they never got to. Andy and I were friends, but he was exactly what you saw. You had to take him at face value. Everything he did on stage--that was his real life.

Q 18

PLAYBOY: Do you feel that comedy albums are hurtling toward extinction?

Jay Leno: I hope they are. I'll never do one. Comedy albums are great if you're getting out of the business and you just want to have a big garage sale of all your material. You do the album, people buy it and you're never heard from again. I would hate to buy an album, listen to it, go see the guy perform and hear the album all over again on stage. It's not like hit music.

I mean, your average comedy-album buyer is that kind of nerdy, overweight kid with Coke-bottle glasses. He'll get up at a party, tell everybody to be quiet, and he'll put on the record. Then, somehow, vicariously or through osmosis, he takes credit for the material, you know, as if he's the comedian. It's like one of those ads on TV where people are sitting around with nothing to do. Then one guy learns to play the organ and, suddenly, everyone gathers around him and he becomes a star, just by playing this stupid, annoying instrument. I'll tell you this: If I were at a party where someone started to play an instrument, I'd be out of there. Especially one that's color-keyed.

Q 19

PLAYBOY: What's better, sex or laughter?

Jay Leno: Well, sex is better. Unfortunately, laughs last longer. If sex could last as long as the laughs, you know, you could get up there and do two-and-a-half-hour sets with each one being a killer. That would be good. Sex is like having two or three really good jokes. Then you're out of material, and it's like, "Thank you! Good night! You've been great! Thank you very much!"

Q 20

PLAYBOY: What's your position on edible underwear?

Jay Leno: The sad thing is that after a couple years of marriage, a lot of guys are just not as romantic as they could be. So the women go out and buy this stuff, like edible underwear, which they take home and put on to make themselves look very attractive. They get into bed. The guy eats the underwear, burps and says, "Thanks, honey, that was great! What're we havin' tomorrow night?" Now, of course, they have edible underwear for men, which is interesting. In fact, right now, I'm wearing the Big Man Boxer Shorts Dinner. Can you see that extra helping of potatoes in there?