Q 13

PLAYBOY: Which five guests would you invite to a fantasy luncheon in your honor?

Joe Piscopo: Frank Sinatra first. He's the ultimate human being. I've always wanted to meet him. I once heard a rumor that he was my dad. I was honored. It's not that I don't respect my real father enormously, but having Frank as your dad is nothing to sneeze at. Also, Frank raises millions for charity. He's a grandfather. He's a performer. And he's got this don't-mess-with-me attitude. Next, I'd have my real father, because he's always been so supportive of me. My mother is also great, but she'd be nagging me to get out of acting: "You should study more." I probably should have listened, because when I look at my NBC contract, I don't know what's going on. I have my wife look it over. But my dad has always been right there, saying, "You're terrific." Third, I'd have my wife, Nancy. Actually, you'd have to throw this luncheon for both of us. So, third--Kim Novak? No, Mickey Mantle. He was my childhood hero. I'd also have my brother, Richie, there. We're close. He understands. And last, hell, President Reagan. I don't necessarily want to meet the guy, but he throws a lot of weight around. And he knows Frank, and that might make Frank feel a bit more at home.

Q 14

PLAYBOY: Why do you do what you do?

Joe Piscopo: Can we get serious for a second? I don't know why. I resent having this drive; I wish I could get up in the morning and say, "Honey, I'm going to mow some lawns now" and just be a gardener and plant trees all day. I'd have a beer at lunch, have a great time, go home, play with my kid, go to bed early, get up and do it all over again. But there's something in me that wants to perform on TV, go to night clubs occasionally and do movies. And the drive is a pain in the ass. I can't have a normal life. I haven't seen my family in the two and a half years I've been on the show. I want to be a good husband and a good father, but I don't think I have been. Sure, I've been OK. I drag my son to the studio once in a while and he loves it.

I could be a househusband. Seriously, I envy what my wife does. I could get into having a beer, mowing the lawn, doing the laundry, sitting around. I'm comfortable cleaning the kitchen. Some people like to iron, but for me that's rough. It's almost like my own work. I look at a shirt and see creases I missed. I'm never satisfied. But if I see clean kitchen counters, I'm happy. In fact, cleaning the kitchen is my favorite household task. I keep the TV going, put the dishes in the dishwasher, put the bread away, clean on top of the refrigerator--most people forget that. Shopping's a gas, too. Maybe that should have been my first movie: The Shopper. Or Groceries. I like to shop at dinnertime, when everyone else is eating. If my wife says there's a new shop in the area, I say, "Oh? How's the produce department? Good apples?" That's all I want to do, except that I still have this drive to perform. I don't really think I could just stare at a clean kitchen counter and be completely satisfied. But still, people will read this and say, "The guy's an asshole. A domestic asshole, too."

Q 15

PLAYBOY: If you could be someone else for a day, who would it be?

Joe Piscopo: Van Gordon Sauter, president of CBS News. I would love to call up Dan Rather and say, "What have you got for us tonight, Dan? Gee, I don't know. You sure you're not hitting it too hard on that side? Make sure it's objective, OK? Have a nice day, pal. Dan? Calm down. Relax. OK?" I love the news and I'm in awe of CBS News. And 60 Minutes. Anybody who has the balls to hire Andy Rooney must be doing something right.

Q 16

PLAYBOY: OK, you've been grated a 60-second interview with Princess Diana. What would you talk about?

Joe Piscopo: I'd tell her I admire her because she obviously dislikes all the attention and just wants to stay home and hang out with Chuck. I can identify with that. I'd also clear up some rumors, like whether or not she's got anorexia nervosa and the stuff about Chuck's really being gay. I don't think I'd mention that I found the whole wedding thing a bore, though. I didn't get into it one bit, and after the networks spent all that money. Frankly, I think the English monarchy is one of the most ridiculous things in the world. They've got all this money that they spend on pomp, ceremony, jewels and crowns when it could be put to some worthwhile use. But I like Di. From what I hear, she seems a regular gal. She doesn't like to put up with the bullshit.

Q 17

PLAYBOY: What's the future of sports in America in 25 words or less?

Joe Piscopo: Hello again, everybody. Joe Piscopo. Live. Saturday Night Sports. The big story? Sports. The future? Expensive!

Q 18

PLAYBOY: What convinced you to do a Battle of the Network Stars?

Joe Piscopo: Only one reason--to meet Howard Cosell. I was in this event where you throw a softball at a target and if you hit it, an actress in a T-shirt and a bikini bottom falls into a tank of water. I was terrible at it. My arm is a bit erratic when I'm not in training. I had three throws and missed two. Cosell kept yelling, "You stink! Get him out of there." I think Catherine Bach was on the drop seat, and Cosell kept busting my ass about how much I wanted her, that was his idea of humor. He kept saying, "I see the lust in your eyes, Piscopo. You want that woman." I cannot tell you how happily married I am. I kept telling Howard, but he wouldn't let up. We flew back to New York together. He's a thoroughly enjoyable, fascinating man.

Another reason I did the show is that you can make big bucks. During the tug of war, I kept yelling, "C'mon. Pull. Pull. I need the money." But the Hollywood stars just said, "Who needs it? I already have my Mercedes."

Q 19

PLAYBOY: If, in overdue recognition of your fanatic dedication to athletics, Sports Illustrated asked you to edit its annual swimsuit issue, how would you handle the assignment?

Joe Piscopo: I'd put young boys on the cover. No. How could I say that? Well, the girls they use, like Cheryl Tiegs and Christie Brinkley, are very attractive, but I'd use real women. Elke Sommer. Linda Evans. Kim Novak. She used to knock me out. They're all classy, sexy ladies. [Aside] Now, Nancy, if you're reading this, I love you, baby, and you should be on the cover. But for the sake of PLAYBOY, I'd put in women with tits. Nice women. Sexy women. At the risk of my wife's leaving me. [Phone rings] Saved by the phone. "Oh, hi. Just talking about you. Uh-huh. OK, be home soon." [Hangs up] I feel very self-conscious talking about other women. I respect my wife more than anything. I don't want to offend her. So let's say I'd put matronly women in. How about Ethel Merman in a two-piece bathing suit on the cover? Kate Smith? Be great.

Q 20

PLAYBOY: What's a better way to spend Saturday night than watching your show?

Joe Piscopo: [Heavy New York accent] Hey, fuckin' your wife!