Q 13

PLAYBOY: Describe your briefs.

Joel Hyatt: My professional briefs are characterized by being stark, with very clear, concise and erudite black stenciling. My personal briefs are, by virtue of their being personal, known only to those who enter my private life.

Q 14

PLAYBOY: This is no reflection on your last response, but why aren't lawyers funnier?

Joel Hyatt: That is a reflection on my last response. Unfortunately, a lawyer's training places a very low premium on humor and a very high premium on stuffiness. Lawyers are trained to be cautious, conservative and concerned about decorum at all times. Having said that, I think it's a bad rap. There are lots of lawyers who are lots of fun. Gee, I hope you don't run those two questions in a row.

Q 15

PLAYBOY: We wouldn't think of it. What are the things most Americans don't know about the law?

Joel Hyatt: The list would be so long. You can start with the most basic example: Most Americans die without a will. They do so despite the very tragic consequences that can befall their loved ones. In most states, there's a statute that determines exactly how your property must be divided when you die without a will. A person can obtain a will at a very low cost, at very little inconvenience, yet most Americans don't. They do not have very basic information about areas of the law that exist only to serve them.

Q 16

PLAYBOY: Why do judges still have those little hammers?

Joel Hyatt: A lot of what goes on in their courtrooms is very boring, and once in a while a judge bangs that thing to wake himself up. It's a tradition worth continuing. I see nothing pernicious about the hammers.

Q 17

PLAYBOY: Does anyone actually get away with murder?

Joel Hyatt: Yes. No lawyer would argue that all people who are guilty of crimes are convicted. There are sometimes very important constitutional reasons that people who are guilty are not convicted; and sometimes, there are people who benefit from excellent lawyering. Protections exist to benefit the innocent. When someone who's guilty of a crime is prosecuted by virtue of evidence obtained illegally, our societal concern is really not with that individual. The point is to protect the guarantees of the system that apply to all of us. Democracy is a very fragile form of government.

Q 18

PLAYBOY: Your cheapest divorce rate is $275. What kind of deal could Johnny Carson get for that?

Joel Hyatt: First of all, I'd rather represent his wife, because she would be willing to pay the fees out of her settlement. But for $275, we wouldn't even represent Mrs. Carson. They did not have a no-fault divorce, for which that fee is applicable. Theirs was what's more commonly referred to as a humongous battle.

Q 19

PLAYBOY: You were born Joel Hyatt Zylberberg. What's the real reason you dropped the last part--fear of anti-Semitism?

Joel Hyatt: It wasn't pronounceable--because it was spelled Z-Y-L. When I got out of law school, I just thought it would be more useful to have a name that was phonetic and pronounceable. At the time, I didn't have the slightest inkling about Hyatt Legal Services. Marketing strategy had nothing to do with it. It was my father, who is one of the very few members of his family to have survived the Holocaust, who suggested I pick up my middle name. People who don't know me could surmise some reason relating to my religion that caused me to change my last name, but anyone who took a careful look at my commitment to Jewish issues and charitable involvements would know better.

Q 20

PLAYBOY: Know any good lawyer jokes?

Joel Hyatt: I know many good lawyer jokes. Have you heard the one about the dying old man who decided that he could contradict the adage that you can't take it with you? He liquidated all of his assets and got $1,500,000 in cash. He called to his hospital bed his minister, his doctor and his lawyer. He told them, "I'm taking it with me. I worked hard for this, and I want to be buried with my cash. You're the three people closest to me; our relationships are based on trust. Here's what I'm asking you to do: I'm giving each of you $500,000 in cash. When I die, I want you to put the money into my casket just before they seal it up."

Well, he died shortly thereafter; and following the funeral, the minister, the doctor and the lawyer got together at a neighborhood bar for a couple of drinks. "I have to confess something," said the minister. "Our church has long needed renovation and a new residence for the minister and his family. I just knew our friend would understand this and would want to make a contribution, so I put $400,000 of the cash into the casket."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm really glad you had the courage to make that confession, because I must tell you that I've worked hard all my life, curing and healing people, but I haven't made the kind of money that I thought I would. I've wanted a vacation home and a motorboat for so long, and I knew our friend would not begrudge me those things. So I put $300,000 of the cash into the casket."

Well, it was the lawyer's turn, so he said to the minister and the doctor, "Gentlemen, I am appalled at your lack of integrity. I put my personal check for the entire $500,000 into the casket."

I'm sure the check was good; aren't you?